Merry Spring!

It only seemed like it! 

I couldn't handle baring my heart for awhile. 

Ok, it was a long while this time. 

I left you here mid 2013. So what's happened?

SO MANY THINGS. 

Not too long after my last post, things became dicey with our Dane girls. Kira was almost 8 years old, which is toward the higher end of average for Great Danes. We had been managing her discospondylosis, hip problems, and knee conditions for about two years. She was not only taking supplements, but Rimadyl and Tramadol for pain control. But she became more touchy, and was lashing out at Misha. There were a couple of fights, a couple of trips to be patched up. In the end, we had to make the heartbreaking decision to let Kira cross the Rainbow Bridge. She was our first 'baby,' a comfort while we were trying for a human baby. She was my very first dog to boot! It colored the rest of the year. 

We also made the decision for Monkey to attend public school, since we are in one of the best districts in our state. I couldn't keep up with his appetite for learning! We'd finish his work in just a couple of hours, and I had no idea how to fill our days so that he was learning and moving forward. He's had amazing teachers who helped him, pushed him, and let him keep progressing. This year that has changed, and we are reconsidering our decision if this trend continues. For now though, it works. 

2014

It was a good year! Monkey did well in school, Kevin and I were both very involved in the class room and I went on a couple of field trips. We just lived a normal life, whatever normal is. 

At some point, we decided to try a few more rounds of fertility treatment. Two rounds with my regular OB/GYN (while working with a Reproductive Endocrinologist) led to two extremely early pregnancy losses. We followed through with more intensive testing, which didn't reveal a lot, but did leave us taking a few months off of trying to conceive. 

Sometime in there, I started attending a FitSkate class with a local roller derby team! Tons of fun, even if it ended in a bruised tail bone a few times! I hadn't been on skates since I was a teenager, so there was a definite learning curve. However, I started having super strange symptoms at the end of the year (numbness, a foot drop, falls, weakness...just a host of weirdness). I saw my primary care physician for a work up, and a referral to a neurologist. I needed to see one anyway for following my migraines, so this wasn't cause for alarm at all. 

We had a good holiday season, my mom came near Thanksgiving and Christmas was great! 

2015

While following these issues, I ended up in the hospital for a few days in January. They found an ischemic event in my brain (either a stroke no one knew about, or tiny bleed from a concussion during a car wreck in 2012). It was old when found, so not a giant concern but it sounded scary! I was evaluated for Multiple Sclerosis. Since this is a diagnosis mostly made by exclusion, it involved lots of testing. At the same time, we working on another round of fertility treatment. We had to stop right when I was to start Femara again, so the cycle was interrupted.

To make things just slightly more fun, we knew Kevin was soon to leave for pre-deployment training and then for deployment to the Middle East. We decided then we'd try once more with the doctors help after he returned. I started occupational therapy to strengthen my left side, and kept up with that while Kevin was away for training. He left just after our wedding anniversary. I had a few tests with results that were only *slightly* out of normal, but my symptoms slowly faded, and it was determined I wouldn't need to come back for several months. A couple of weeks later, I noticed I hadn't had a cycle since the medicine I used to induce it for our aborted fertility cycle in January/February. Nothing unusual, especially considering my PCOS and endometriosis. I took a pregnancy test before I called the doctor. 

Imagine my shock when it was *POSITIVE.*

I'm sure I almost fell over. Talk about pins and needles! My first ultrasound was inconclusive, showing only an amniotic sac and yolk sac. Since we had no idea when I'd conceived, we weren't sure if this was a problem or not. The next week though, there was a tiny flicker of a heartbeat! Monkey found the pregnancy tests I'd inadvertently left on my bathroom counter, and me forgetting how smart he was, demanded to know "does dad know about this?!" He was fairly excited though. He got to come to the 13 week ultrasound, where baby looked like a baby instead of a blob. He announced this big news to my mom via video chat. Kevin was home for a few weeks between training and deploying, and got to see an ultrasound as well.

Kevin left just as school got out, and Monkey and I spent the summer playing at the splash pad downtown and took a trip to Colorado with Kevin's sister. We found out baby's gender, and used pictures of Monkey to announce our little girl! Monkey started 2nd grade in August, and Kevin returned home in October. I spent most of the summer and fall craving cheeseburgers and grapes, and watching my active belly bounce around. She was due Dec 10, but after a concerning biophysical profile on my birthday, we induced labor.

My little Owl was born on 20 Nov at 1018am. She was 6lbs, 15 oz and 19 inches long. (I'll be back soon with a proper birth story post and many pictures.)

Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent at home with our tiny new baby! In January, Kevin attended two weeks of training (and I survived my first TDY with 2 kids!).

2016

 

On this day in 2004,

(which was also the first day of Spring)

Kevin and I were married. 

Twelve years! 

Two babies! 

An almost 8 year old Monkey,

 and as of today, 

a 4 month old Owlet.

Life is awesome.

 

 

An Honest Ramble

It's time that I have been honest with you and myself.
I have always tried to present the good side, with out a lot of the heartache here. And to keep up the positivity. But I have to tell you.

A lot of the time, I am not positive.

My personal story is long, complicated and arduous. Maybe one day I will share it here. Our road to a family is hard enough. I've shared it here a couple of times.

Monkey was six years in the making. And I am so, so grateful for him. I spend my days with him, especially the hard ones, trying to remember the prayers that I prayed, the tears I cried and the begging and pleading with God or Goddess, to any thing that might be listening. And you know what? Sometimes, it is hard to remember.

Kids can be difficult - especially moving through the toddler and preschool years. I had to admit to myself recently that homeschooling is not the best option for us. I believe wholeheartedly that it is a good and viable option. For me though? It was proving to be tough. Monkey is a very active kiddo, who needs constant stimulation. He has such a thirst to play, to go, to learn - I couldn't keep up. He flew through our school work in a matter of 60 to 90 minutes. But then I was left with the rest of the day and night - with no break and no clue. As a stay at home mommy of an only child - I am the playmate, as well as mommy and teacher. Perhaps if he had siblings, someone else to play with - to talk to - to bounce ideas off of - to ask questions - anything...it'd be slightly easier, as I wouldn't have to fill all these roles. Off he goes to Kindergarten next week, and happy as a clam about it. Gotta tell you, I am terrified - happy - apprehensive.

It's been 5 years since Monkey was born. There has not been one iota of birth control used. Two rounds of fertility meds and IUIs. One miscarriage. And so I managed to convince myself, and later Kevin, that adoption was our best option. We are an interracial couple, who preferred a multiracial child. We were open to infants, and sibling groups. Surely it wouldn't be long until we were chosen by a mother making an adoption plan. We borrowed money against a vehicle, and went for it.

Ha. God proved me wrong again. We waited more than a year for our match. We spent several months there, with everything looking good. And after that baby girl was born, it felt like she was ripped away, leaving my heart raw. In reality; logically, I know that her mother decided to parent her. I know that she's loved. But...I loved her too. I still wonder about her. So we went for it again -- and had to turn away from a baby boy because we were out of money and couldn't afford the legal fees.

We decided to take a break from it all. No active trying to conceive (but that didn't stop my heart from wishing and hoping), no more moving forward with adoption. Nothing.

So here we are. Soon, we have to make a decision on reactivating our contract, or just chalking up the money paid to our adoption facilitator as lost. Once again, finances stand in our way. We have to pay a reactivation fee, get a new homestudy done, and be ready and able to pay legal fees IF we get a match and IF the adoption goes through.

Or maybe we could say, forget the money. And we could go back to fertility treatment. Before our move, we had all of our fertility testing updated with an awful doctor. You wouldn't believe it - but I have PCOS and Endometriosis! Who knew?! (Except us and several doctors!?) Anyway - that costs money too. Money that we simply don't have.

I don't know what to do. WE don't know what do.
And still every month, I hope and pray. That my stupid ovaries work. For two lines to appear on a pregnancy test. Never mind that we've never gotten pregnant on our own - not once in nearly 11 years.

My heart still stops, and my breath catches - every time a friend gets pregnant. Every baby that is born. I still go home and cry hot, silent tears at night. But I paste a smile on my face, and drum up some happiness for my friends. Because I am happy for them, and I love those adorable babies.

As my Monkey turns in to a Big Kid, and takes off for elementary school, I know he is slowly but surely leaving me behind. I love that boy, who will always be my baby, more than life. But if I am honest with myself, and with you?

My womb still aches for another pregnancy, to feel those magical moments again. I'd do just about anything for another 17 hour labor and delivery. To nurse away long nights, and wash mountains of diapers. I thought that the pain would lessen after having Monkey in our life - but losing the dream of a large family, and grieving the loss of the pregnancies I won't have? It still weighs heavily. Not as often, I admit. It seems like it might be fading most days. Considering leaving it all behind, because we simply can't afford it though, that fills me with panic. How can I say that I am ready to give up?

I'm not. I am. I'm not. I am.

Back and forth.

If a pile of money were to appear in front of me - the first thing I'd do is adopt babies. Babies (even if they're children, they're still babies) from El Salvador, Honduras, Burundi, Sierra Leone - everywhere. And then maybe, I'd revisit a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I just wanted to be a Mommy to Many. Didn't seem like a lot to ask, a fairly simple life.
It seems it isn't to be.

How do I give up the future I thought I had?

Big Kid

Monkey was not a good sleeper.

Not at birth -

seriously, the nurses got frustrated with me. 

Not at home -

he only slept if being worn, held, or snuggled.

To say that he was a high touch infant 

is the understatement of the year.

In order to preserve our own sanity,

and for me to sleep at all,

we became a co-sleeping family.

It wasn't what we intended, 

but it worked. 

Beautifully. 

Monkey was half sleeping on his own for 

a few years now. 

He'd go to sleep in his room, 

and we allowed him to come into ours 

if he woke.

There were several setbacks,

but it held steady.

At our new home,

I've resorted to bribery.

And it's working. 

The bribe is not much:

New bed set -

quilt, sheets and such.

Matching decorations.

And that we'd paint his room.

(Likely, we'd have done this anyway.)

It's worked too well.

He goes to bed,

stays asleep.

He only asks for a flashlight,

and Misha

(one of the Danes).

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THAT I WOULD BE SAD ABOUT THIS?

Seriously, 

I do not miss being kicked and punched.

I do not miss having no room to maneuver, 

no sheets. 

But on the other side,

my heart is so sad that he's this big!

Kindergarten!

The materials are on the way. 

I can't deal with this. 

Home Plans

I haven't gotten my camera out to start documenting. 

I plan to this weekend,

because there are some serious transformations happening.

First up, a fence.

We cannot live without one,

not with two Danes and a five year old. 

We're toying with the idea of installing it ourselves,

since having one done professionally

turns out to be mountain loads more than we expected.

I am sharing my list of plans with you

so that  maybe it will hold me accountable.

At least a bit. 

 Here goes:

Fence.

Paint Monkey's room, add his new bedding. 

(He's getting this as a reward for sleeping in his own bed, all night, all the time.)

Paint all this ugly oak trim white.

Replace the ugly oak interior doors with white six panel doors.

Redo the kitchen and bathroom cabinets:

white, new bronzed hardware.

Replace counters in bathrooms and kitchen.

Replace laminate in entries, bathrooms and kitchen with tile.

Sounds ambitious.

Seeing it written is kind of scary.

Especially since we are learning as we go.

 

Updates and Plans

I took another long hiatus. 

Stress.

Retraining, preschool, church, finances, moving. 

In March, 

Kevin and I celebrated 9 years of marriage. 

I did my best not to fall apart into 

a puddle of mush on Baby Girl's 1st bithday.

I succeeded, even if my heart ached. 

Easter was awesome.

There were no hospital visits during it. 

We did have a wonderful dinner

with our friends

(Pony Princess, Minnie Mouse, and their baby brother).

In April, 

we went house hunting!

We drove to South Dakota.

Got stuck in Cheyenne, Wyoming for a few days.

Yay, snow storm! Ha.

This limited the number of days we had to look.

There was seriously a marathon of houses.

Billions, probably. 

In the end, the day before we left --

our offer was accepted on a house!

(Pictures forthcoming.)

May, 

we spent organizing, sorting, donating, selling.

Monkey finished up his last year of preschool.

My mind was blown when it was recommended that he be put in first grade.

We've decided to homeschool.

Our solution was to do kindergarten as fast as he needs or wants too,

and move on to first grade early if called for.

The movers packed.

They took our things.

We lived on air mattress.

We were named God-Parents of Pony & Minnie's brother.

We drove.

And drove.

And some more.

Roadtrip.

Two cars.

Three humans.

2 Great Danes. 

1 Cat.

1 Parrot. 

Lots of luggage. 

A luggage carrier whose keys got packed into boxes.

It was therefore left with friends.

After a couple of weeks of chaos -

hotels, boarding animals, etc

we got into our house.

And soon after, we finally closed! 

We've had our household goods for about two weeks.

Life is settling down. 

I have lots of projects that I plan to do and share here.

Decorating, re-doing, and freshening. 

I look forward to seeing you back here.

There will also be more to come on homeschooling,

family life, and plans for our family and future children. 

Looking Back

Reading posts from a year ago...

We are in such a different place. 

Last year, such excited anticipation.

So close to having a baby in our arms.

Today, I saw a dress that I fell in love with.

If she were ours, it would have totally gone home with us for Easter.

But she's not.

It's weird to ponder a baby that we held

and know she's not ours.

It's much different that pondering the pregnancy that we lost.

Which is weird in and of itself.

*****

Despite all that, 

time moves forward.

And so does the Air Force.

We are getting ready for a move - again.

This time to South Dakota.

The Monkey and I are planning to go on a 

house hunting trip in a few weeks. 

He thinks we need a house with a trampoline and a tree house.

We have a few more requirements. 

(You know, pesky things like number of bedrooms

and a not microscopic kitchen.)

I am really excited for this move.

A desert dweller, I am not.

Green grass, trees, rivers, lakes! 

It's not quite the ocean, but we have to take what we can get.

 

An Adventure

We took a road trip with our closest friends.

"Forever and ever" is what we were told it took.

In reality, it was about 8 hours to Flagstaff, Arizona.

While we were there, we decided to drive the bit to see the Grand Canyon.

It was another hour and a half or so, but we all figured that was a lot 

closer than driving from home!

 Daddy and Monkey

Mommy and Monkey

All of us. Kevin forgets to smile a bit.

It's the military, I think.

Monkey hangs out with his best friend.

She needs a blog name.

We'll call her.... Pony Princess.

Proof! An actual sign! 

View from one of the look outs.

We were on the South Rim.

********

Here's where it gets good.

We drove back to our hotel, and found that our Elf 

(Jolly Jingleheimer. He's mostly known as Jingles.)

He brought pajamas!

And tickets.

To the NORTH POLE.

Apparently, there are portals all over the world.

It's how Santa gets around. 

There's a magic trolley that some elves took us on.

We had to say a magic spell with our eyes closed,

there was music and flashing lights, and 

POOF

There we were. 

After we got there, we knocked on the door.

An elf let us in, and we saw Santa's Toy Hall of Fame.

It was pretty cool.

(Monkey and Pony Princess checking out a wagon in the Hall of Fame)

The next room the elves let us in, was Santa's original work room.

It's a much bigger operation now.

His head elf, Alabaster Snowflake, 

showed us some cool stuff.

They were pretty impressed.

This train is magical, and it goes from the old workshop to the new one.

And it is pretty awesome, as you can see from Monkey's face.

We went to the actual workshop,

and the kids made some toys for other kids who might not get any.

Monkey made a cheerleader bear, Pony Princess made a football bear.

Then there was rocket Nerf war among children and elves.

Next, we walked through the wrapping room.

 After the wrapping room, we got to sit down and have a snack.

There were cookies and snow man soup

(for you grown ups, that's hot cocoa).

 Pony Princess, Monkey, and Pony's sister Minnie Mouse.

And an elf. See, she glitters!

 

Then, we headed to Elf University.

We had to learn Elf Manners and pass a test so we could leave.

 After that, there were lists for Santa to write.

It took a lot of concentration, especially for Pony Princess.

She needed to know how to spell DOLPHIN.

 After writing them, it was *almost* time to see Santa.

First, the elves had to check and see if their names were on the nice list!

It looks worrisome.Very stressful.

 They were all on there! Even Daddy's!

They had to do the Nice List Dance.

Next up, we got to visit the Sleigh Room.

 It's a lot bigger than I ever imagined.

 This is Santa's Navigation System.

 And the Believe Meter.

Because if you don't believe, he can't stop at your house!

The last bit of the night was seeing SANTA!

(We got a picture from the workshop, but I don't have it with me right now.)

********

It was a pretty amazing adventure. 

If you'd like to check it out for yourself, 

I totally recommend it!

The North Pole Experience

It really does

After being busy during the holiday season,

it's been a rough few months.

Apparently I have lost all ability

to put on a happy face.

 

Infertility hurts.

 

And I truly believed that 

Adoption was where God was leading us.

But that's not true either.

 

And I am so emotionally beat up

and beat down. 

 

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.

He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,

especially since he seems to think the camera 

is not only permanently attached to my hand, 

but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.

He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.

Our other good friend and I babyshare him

while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --

they turned out pretty awesome, I think.

******

Like the title of the post,

this is going to be all over the place.

Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 

the North Pole Experience

(with awesome friends).

Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.

Then Christmas! 

We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.

The Danes are doing well

(and Kira as well as she can).

I lost 20 pounds!!

Things are busy --

pumpkin patch,

community Halloween party,

friends Halloween party.

A few photo sessions.

Soccer games 

(and practice).

We're all home together.

We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.

Baby Dreams do not go away easily.

Adoption is off the table;

our contract is cancelled.

Though our home study is still current,

we have no way to find a match or placement.

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like

if we had adopted Baby Girl.

She's 7 months old now. 

Or Baby Boy...

He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards

infertility treatment again.

And the doctors insist that we begin testing

and procedures 

ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 

We're doing it anyway, 

but still. 

And since there is no chance of having

what worked before done,

this is really a shot in the dark. 

Just something to hope for, 

instead of doing nothing. 

And do you know what?

No matter what I do,

or who I talk to...

Every time I hear about someone

who wasn't planning,

didn't want, 

doesn't have employment handled, 

or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --

I feel broken. 

Inadequate. 

Less of Woman.

It hurts, and I try not to show it. 

But I want to break down,

melt into a puddle. 

I wonder about the 

baby we lost, 

Baby Girl who was in my arms,

and Baby Boy we had

to walk away from. 

It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.

I rage at God.

How can he give these beautiful,

tiny Blessings, 

to people that aren't ready?

That don't want them?

To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?

I know it is irrational.

It still doesn't go away. 

Trying to Breathe

But sometimes it seems impossible. 

Photos

So I have been working on a big project. 

I've been studying photography for the better

part of three years --

ever since I got my DSLR.

After much thought,

I bit the bullet. 

I opened up a photography business!

  This is my super awesome logo. 

It's going a bit slow getting going --

but I have had 

two newborns, 

a family, 

and I have a senior session this weekend! 

I'm pretty happy about this whole thing! 

*****

Everything else is going well.

Monkey is growing like a weed.

We're mentally preparing for Christmas.

Planning a trip to the 

pumpkin patch and corn maze. 

Thanksgiving with some pretty awesome friends. 

Then, with those same friends, 

we are going to the 

North Pole Experience!

(The kiddos don't know yet.)

All in all, it's good. 

 

Knowing he thinks about it too.

While looking for a baby carrier for a dear friend,

I realized I had never put the newborn 

clothes away from Baby Girl's

situation. 

Doing that yesterday evening was kind of a downer,

not a break down kind --

just pensive. 

It hurts to miss what you never really had. 

Anyway, Kevin and I were talking today while

Monkey was outside riding his bike,

walking on our stone wall

and generally being four. 

We were talking about our pending move,

and if going earlier than planned 

is an option. 

But then he came over to us. 

Out of the blue,

"I don't think we're getting any more babies."

I said to Kevin, I think it is because 

his best friend just got a new little brother. 

Monkey piped back up,

"Yeah. She got her baby sister

and a baby brother. 

We get zero."

He showed us zero with fingers to emphasize. 

I guess we've got to figure out what we're going to do. 

It hurts my heart that my sweet little boy

is worrying and wondering about siblings.

Another Month

Sorry about that. 

There's been a lot going on. 

Mostly good, though --

just BUSY.

Monkey is back in preschool, 

three days a week. 

Up until today,

he still had weekly swim lessons. 

Now he's also playing soccer! 

It's pretty funny to watch four year olds play any

"organized" sport! 

I also joined a MOPs group

(Mothers Of Preschoolers).

I've only attended one meeting, 

but I really liked it. 

I even won a raffle! 

(And I never win stuff like that!)

It was a ceramic travel coffee mug

and a book. 

Can't share too many details about it, 

I'm thinking it might be something 

that I buy for someone else for Christmas. 

But the biggest news. 

I OPENED UP A PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS!

You can find my website

(which is still slightly under construction)

here.

I hope all is well with you and yours, 

and I promise I will be back more often.

Two Years

Friday marked two years of waiting to adopt.
I ignored this, didn't want to think about it.
I honestly never thought that we would wait this long.
We are ready! And have been!
But...we're still here.
No end in sight.


Sometimes, 

I wish we hadn't even tried to adopt.

I hate knowing that we were so close, more than once.

I hate knowing that legislation enacted more 

than a year and a half after we began our adoption journey

is stopping us. 

Sometimes, 

I wish that we hadn't formed a bond.

That we hadn't had a second match.

I wonder about both those babies,

their families and mommies. 

Sometimes,

I wish that I knew how to reach out,

and get our faces and information

to a mother considering adoption,

privately.

But I don't know how. 

And I know that I get to wonder.

Are there more children in the future for our family?

I am so, so grateful that we had our Monkey.

It's still hard to slowly lose our dreams

of a houseful of kiddos.

Some Fun and Some Thoughts

Monkey had his very first soccer practice tonight!

He really seemed to love it.

Kevin is one of the assistant coaches for his team -

it was adorable watching them attempt

warm-ups and kicking the ball around. 

Monkey was super proud and thought

he "looked SO cool!"

wearing his shin guards, socks and cleats. 

I think it will be a lot of fun for all of us. 

*****

On another note, we keep going back and forth with this. 

Since we have a move coming in the next several months,

should we wait until then to reactivate our contract?

Do it now, and let it run out?
Wait, wait - we finally remembered that damn law.
The one that doesn't let us work with outside agencies, facilitators
or adoption professionals.
So how do we reach out then?
How on earth is a mother considering adoption
supposed to FIND a family like us?
Should we just...

Go back to fertility treatments?

I really wish it weren't so hard to provide

a loving home for a child.

You always hear about the kids that are neglected, 

abused, abandoned....

why are there so many parents

who WANT to adopt, but can't then?

*****

Back!

Monkey and I have been back from our trip 

to South Carolina for about a week and a half.

Kevin got back from training

last Friday. 

Our family is back in the same house! 

It's been awesome. 

Monkey is like a velcro leach onto

Daddy, but it's very cute 

(and annoying at times, I'm sure.)

However, I am not the leachee, 

so not my issue. 

We had fun in SC, 

got to see The Nana, 

go to the beach

(where everyone burned but Monkey, 

because he has awesome skin). 

Had fun with friends. 

And since we've been back, playing with Daddy has been number one. 

There was a Pampered Chef Part here tonight. 

A baby shower on Saturday 

for a friend here. 

Tomorrow is washing serving dishes, 

making pompoms, 

and baking biscuits. 

Her shower is going to be a tea. 

Was supposed to be a brunch, 

but that is a long, ugly story. 

Everything is going well this summer. 

God is Thinking About It

Today, and for the past few days, 

I have been cleaning up and organizing around the house. 

Scrubbing bird cages and litter boxes

etc. 

Tonight I was putting Kiwi's old cage into our garage instead

of in the room with Sneakybird. 

Monkey was out with me 

while I was cleaning outside. 

He saw the mirror that we had installed in the car, 

above the infant seat, 

so that we could see the baby from the front. 

Monkey asked, 

"Mommy, will we use that mirror?"

"What mirror, Monkey?"

"The one so I can see the baby!"

 "Well, if we get another baby we will."

"It's gonna take a long time, huh?"

"It might."

"We might not get another baby, huh?"

"We might not, Monkey. I don't know."

"No, we will! God is just thinkin' about which one. He's thinkin' everyday."

"Oh, He is?"

"Yeah. If you pray and ask about it, God will give you one."

Well, that was a conversation out of the blue. 

Made me think about it. 

I did pray regularly about it in the beginning, 

but mostly because of specific situation I saw

that touched me. 

I prayed about R and her situation as well. 

Not so much since. 

I related the conversation to Kevin tonight, 

and he said,

"You know, I haven't really prayed about it.

I was hoping, but not praying. It's crazy that

our four year old said that."

 

Pictures here, Pictures there, Pictures Everywhere!

It's been awhile since I posted, 

but I can honestly say that's because

Monkey and I have been so busy! 

We had a week of summer camp,

a week of VBS,

a visit to the zoo in El Paso, 

a birthday party, 

free movie Tuesdays,

and swimming lessons going on! 

Kevin is still away for training,

but is doing amazing at it! 

And he'll be home in just a few more weeks! 

So, I thought I would catch you all up 

on some pictures that were long promised. 

 This is Monkey at Farm Day, holding a kid. (Baby goats are adorable, people!)

 Here he is being a silly guy at his 4th birthday! 

 The table of awesome at his party! 

Banner says Super Brandon. 

We had Yoshi Eggs, Toad Pops, Ice Power,

Fire Power, Star Power, Mario Mustaches, 

Wii-mote controls, and Power Up Water. 

And cupcakes. With ice cream.

Cupcakes are awesome. 

 Another view.

I should clarify that we also had

sub sandwiches and chips.

The stuff on the table was to take home. 

 Brandon and awesome Coach Austin after the 

Summer Gym Magic Recital. 

Monkey and his classed worked their moves

to the song, 

Moves Like Jagger. 

 Sneaky being a silly bird. 

He is on his back in my hand. 

And one more from Farm Day. He wasn't thrilled

about the horse ride so much. 

Not a lot going on in other news. 

I talked to R a little bit, 

and they are doing great! 

I am glad that we still talk. 

I hope you all are having great summers,

and those of you waiting for an adoption placement 

get a match soon. 

I still wish sometimes that things had turned out different, 

but financially it is just not possible. 

I dream of making a private match sometimes,

but that is pretty much a non-existant thing. 

One day though, 

we will grow our family -

somehow. 

 

Up and Down

It's been a pretty good day.

Church this morning,

playing with Monkey.

Super-Cleaning Day -

moved all the furniture and vacuumed blinds 

kinda cleaning. 

But in the back of my mind, 

it's a hard day.

This week, we were given an option from Lifetime

that would involve another attorney/agency.

The whole thing felt kind of unethical,

but it didn't work out anyway.

It would have cost nearly $12K more.

Ha.

So...we froze our contract.

Technically we can do this for up to nine months,

pay a reactivation fee (crappy, IMO)

and go back active.

If we move during this nine months, 

we might be able to complete our contract.

It's hard, knowing that for now,

it's over.

There is no chance for us to adopt at this time.

It's heartbreaking.

To know that we were so close,

having held a baby in our arms 

and walked away.
That was my worst fear,
and it came true. 

To know that we almost made it again.

And now it's done. 

I hope that we are able to recoup financially,

and able to pursue adoption.

I hate that it has cost us SO much,

and not just monetarily.

It's a terrible roller coaster.

It would have been totally worth it,

if it ended happily.

But it hasn't. 

It makes me wonder if we should have just 

poured all this money into fertility treatment.

Rough Week

Kevin left for training.

His sister moved into her first apartment. 

Last night, Kiwi bird died. 

Ugh.