Big Kid

Monkey was not a good sleeper.

Not at birth -

seriously, the nurses got frustrated with me. 

Not at home -

he only slept if being worn, held, or snuggled.

To say that he was a high touch infant 

is the understatement of the year.

In order to preserve our own sanity,

and for me to sleep at all,

we became a co-sleeping family.

It wasn't what we intended, 

but it worked. 

Beautifully. 

Monkey was half sleeping on his own for 

a few years now. 

He'd go to sleep in his room, 

and we allowed him to come into ours 

if he woke.

There were several setbacks,

but it held steady.

At our new home,

I've resorted to bribery.

And it's working. 

The bribe is not much:

New bed set -

quilt, sheets and such.

Matching decorations.

And that we'd paint his room.

(Likely, we'd have done this anyway.)

It's worked too well.

He goes to bed,

stays asleep.

He only asks for a flashlight,

and Misha

(one of the Danes).

WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THAT I WOULD BE SAD ABOUT THIS?

Seriously, 

I do not miss being kicked and punched.

I do not miss having no room to maneuver, 

no sheets. 

But on the other side,

my heart is so sad that he's this big!

Kindergarten!

The materials are on the way. 

I can't deal with this. 

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.

He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,

especially since he seems to think the camera 

is not only permanently attached to my hand, 

but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.

He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.

Our other good friend and I babyshare him

while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --

they turned out pretty awesome, I think.

******

Like the title of the post,

this is going to be all over the place.

Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 

the North Pole Experience

(with awesome friends).

Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.

Then Christmas! 

We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.

The Danes are doing well

(and Kira as well as she can).

I lost 20 pounds!!

Things are busy --

pumpkin patch,

community Halloween party,

friends Halloween party.

A few photo sessions.

Soccer games 

(and practice).

We're all home together.

We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.

Baby Dreams do not go away easily.

Adoption is off the table;

our contract is cancelled.

Though our home study is still current,

we have no way to find a match or placement.

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like

if we had adopted Baby Girl.

She's 7 months old now. 

Or Baby Boy...

He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards

infertility treatment again.

And the doctors insist that we begin testing

and procedures 

ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 

We're doing it anyway, 

but still. 

And since there is no chance of having

what worked before done,

this is really a shot in the dark. 

Just something to hope for, 

instead of doing nothing. 

And do you know what?

No matter what I do,

or who I talk to...

Every time I hear about someone

who wasn't planning,

didn't want, 

doesn't have employment handled, 

or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --

I feel broken. 

Inadequate. 

Less of Woman.

It hurts, and I try not to show it. 

But I want to break down,

melt into a puddle. 

I wonder about the 

baby we lost, 

Baby Girl who was in my arms,

and Baby Boy we had

to walk away from. 

It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.

I rage at God.

How can he give these beautiful,

tiny Blessings, 

to people that aren't ready?

That don't want them?

To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?

I know it is irrational.

It still doesn't go away. 

Trying to Breathe

But sometimes it seems impossible. 

God is Thinking About It

Today, and for the past few days, 

I have been cleaning up and organizing around the house. 

Scrubbing bird cages and litter boxes

etc. 

Tonight I was putting Kiwi's old cage into our garage instead

of in the room with Sneakybird. 

Monkey was out with me 

while I was cleaning outside. 

He saw the mirror that we had installed in the car, 

above the infant seat, 

so that we could see the baby from the front. 

Monkey asked, 

"Mommy, will we use that mirror?"

"What mirror, Monkey?"

"The one so I can see the baby!"

 "Well, if we get another baby we will."

"It's gonna take a long time, huh?"

"It might."

"We might not get another baby, huh?"

"We might not, Monkey. I don't know."

"No, we will! God is just thinkin' about which one. He's thinkin' everyday."

"Oh, He is?"

"Yeah. If you pray and ask about it, God will give you one."

Well, that was a conversation out of the blue. 

Made me think about it. 

I did pray regularly about it in the beginning, 

but mostly because of specific situation I saw

that touched me. 

I prayed about R and her situation as well. 

Not so much since. 

I related the conversation to Kevin tonight, 

and he said,

"You know, I haven't really prayed about it.

I was hoping, but not praying. It's crazy that

our four year old said that."

 

Rough Week

Kevin left for training.

His sister moved into her first apartment. 

Last night, Kiwi bird died. 

Ugh.

Kind of a Rant. A L-O-N-G one. You've been warned.

Does anyone mind if I rant, rave and otherwise lash out right now?

No?

Good. 

I want to go over what is holding us back. 

When we first decided to adopt, there were a few reasons. These were the biggest.

1) We had always wanted to, since being kids our selves. We talked about this well before we even got married.

2) Instead of the heartbreak of failed fertility treatments, we could give a home; a mother, father, brother and extended to family to a child whose mother was choosing a different future than she could provide for her child. In return, we get our dream of having a larger family + the addition of having some extra family members in the form of the child's biological family. (Or at least we hoped to gain a loving open adoption situation)

Kevin and I believed adoption to be the best option for our family. Fertility treatments held no guarantee anyway, and we believed that an expectant mother considering adoption could see the love we have to give.

We selected an adoption facilitator because the fees were on par or less than some adoption agencies. We also felt that a facilitator would have better outreach to birth families. We qualified for a grant through them, because we went through their African-American Enrichment Program. We chose this not because of money, but because we are an interracial family, and felt that we would be good parents to a bi- or multi- racial child/ren.

We have been open not just to newborns, but infants up to one year old; multiples; and sibling groups where the oldest child was the same age or younger than our firstborn.

We paid $13,000 for their services.

To adopt, you must have a home study. This is done by a licensed social worker, who may or may not  be affiliated with an adoption agency. Our was not, both the home study and the update were done by independent social workers. We submitted to home inspections, interviews, local, state and federal background checks. We bought fire extinguishers, fire escape ladders, and made fire escape plans that are posted in our home. We had medical examinations as well.

For this, we paid $1,000 for the original home study. When our wait went over one year, we paid $500 for it to be updated.

Kevin and I were optimistic. We thought that we would be chosen relatively quickly, and perhaps complete our adoption in a year or so. When that didn't happen, we didn't give up.

Finally, after a few close calls, we were matched with R.
This means that we found an attorney, and he spoke with us as well as R. We paid a $4,500 retainer, with the hope that we would not go over that in our adoption. When R decided to parent her daughter, we were entitled to a bit of a refund. About half of that we got back - it was just enough to cover the expenses we incurred driving to the birth, hotels for the time we were gone, food - etc.

 So, at this point we've paid $16,500.

Please note that this does not cover incidental expenses - printing our profiles cost $500. We are billed monthly for our 800-number access. We paid the fees for the background checks.

Because of this (incredibly stupid and unfair) law that New Mexico passed, retroactively - we are now prevented from working with agencies or facilitators outside of this state! This means that the $13K we paid to Lifetime - I guess we are just supposed to eat that, according to the State of New Mexico. In R's situation, her state allowed non-residents to finalize there. This law hadn't yet passed, but if it had, we still had the protection of not having to finalize here.

Without realizing that the law did in fact pass, we were chosen by expectant mother, S. S lives in Oklahoma, which does not allow non-residents to finalize. This means that we would have to file a case here in New Mexico to see if a judge would allow our adoption to go forward. Because of this, the legal fees are higher than just completing the adoption.

A conservative estimate from the lawyer -$4500 for the adoption itself, and $2000 or more for the court case before this child is even born.

Do you see what we're up against? This puts our adoption total at $23,000!

And after the failed placement - we don't have the money for the retainer any more. The lawyer requires a retainer of $3,000 to start work on our case, the remainder to be paid before finalization - or whenever the $3,000 runs out. We could *hope* that some other families or adoption agencies would want to get in on the lawsuit against the state, but there is no guarantee that would happen, so we can't count on it to lower those expenses.

We were going to use a credit card for these fees, which is not the most financially sound decision, but the lawyer doesn't accept payment by credit card.


How can they (in general) expect the average family to afford this? We always hear about children who need homes, babies who are abandoned - but it is almost financially impossible to adopt! There is an adoption tax credit - after the fact. Employers sometimes offer benefits - AFTER the fact. There is not much help in the moment, when you have to pay the fees. There are some places that offer grants, but they are few and far between. And so many families want those, not many get them. We applied for several.

We are considering at this point holding a fundraiser or two to help raise the legal fees so that we can go forward. But in this situation with S, it is against the clock. Because we have to fight with the State to see if they will allow placement to go forward, we don't have the time to fund raise. The lawyer needs to file the documents yesterday in his words.
I plan to call another lawyer that we spoke to in the first situation to see if her take is any different. Hopefully it is...but still, I have to wonder where the money will come from.

Our first idea is to hold a dinner of some sort - a soup and baked potato bar, perhaps - at our church. We would spread the word at church, and through friends. It would be held just for donations - and hopefully we can fund the food to get it done!
A bake sale was also suggested, but I am not sure of the logistics.

This is hard.

How do we explain to S 

that we might not be able to do this?

How do we live with knowing 

that it came down to 

MONEY?

Adoption thus far...

There hasn't been a whole lot of action on the adoption front. Our home study is nearly complete - just waiting on the background checks from the last two states we have lived in, and then it will be absolutely, finally complete. This gives me some measure of hope, as then we will be able to be presented to potential first families that are making a last minute decision.

I have decided to donate all of my maternity clothes to our adoption facilitators birth mother closet. They give clothing, food and other assistance to mothers that they are working with that need help. I am clearly not going to be needing the maternity clothes, and someone else can get much more use out of them.

The waiting seems...interminable.

I know it hasn't been very long in the grand scheme of things, as we've only been active for about four months. In pregnancy time, we'd be past the first trimester and the most risk of miscarriage. We'd be hearing the heartbeat for the first time. We'd wonder about screening results, and bicker about whether or not to find out the gender. We'd start finalizing what type of birth we wanted and work toward that goal.

With adoption, we don't have milestones to look forward to. We don't have a way to mark the passage of the time, or a definitive - or even a hazy - outlook on when we can expect to be blessed with our second child.



I have not ever been a very religious person. I have felt the need to "try on" different faiths but nothing has ever felt quite right. Honestly, I was content with out it. I felt that there was SOMETHING out there, bigger than we can know, but not what or who. In general, I regard faith as a mountain, with many paths to the top. And my view of God has been like a beautifully cut diamond - one whole with many different facets, and each facet having had a name.

Now...I feel something different. I don't have a name for it. I find myself reading and reading to find where I fit. Most recently, I have read, in order: The Faith Club by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner; The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller; and finally, The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.

I really liked the first and last book - the second didn't hold my attention as well. Lee Strobel's book convinced me to buy it because he was an atheist, whose wife became Christian. He thought she was out of her mind, so did a ton of research for himself, that led to his own conversion to Christianity. He also has some other books that I intend to read - The Case for a Creator, The Case for Faith, The Case for the Real Jesus.

I'm not sure where my journey will lead me, but I hope that it is a fulfilling one. It relates back to our Adoption Journey, because I have felt what I haven't really felt the need to do before, except sporadically. To pray. I am not sure to Who, and I hope that someone is Listening to my pleas. I think I want to believe, and have faith, but I'm not sure how.

For now, what I have will be enough.

Tonight, that is a fervent prayer, hope and wish for all of the women struggling with the decision to place their precious children for adoption. I pray for a faceless woman that I have yet to meet that she finds peace with herself, her God, and her decision. I hope she finds Joy in finding the perfect family for her Child. I hope that one day, some how, one of you beautiful souls chooses our family.

A Poem

I read this on another blog about adoption

Two Women

Two women cry into the night,
their eyes are filled with tears.
Oh God why is this happening?
I need to feel you near.
One woman sits alone in the darkness,
Decisions she must make.
She wants to do what's best for the child,
It's life she cannot take.
The other woman clings to her mate
And she doesn't understand
why they can't have a child of their own
as so many others can.
These women come from different worlds.
Their lives are miles apart.
But God would deliver the pain they felt
and heal their broken hearts.
And then one precious morning
their lives became intertwined.
Both women's prayers were answered
as they felt God's plan unwind.
One woman touched her newborn's cheek
and whispered to the babe,
"Because I love you little one,
sacrifices I've made."
With the strength she felt from heaven,
to the other woman she gave
the miracle of a baby
for her to love and raise.
The other woman looked down
at her precious baby's eyes
and thanked God for the woman
who had helped fulfill her life.
Two women pray into the night
and thank the Lord above
for the opportunity he's given them both
to feel a Mother's love.

by Lori Coleman

It touched my heart and made me cry! :) I hope you enjoy it as well.