An Honest Ramble

It's time that I have been honest with you and myself.
I have always tried to present the good side, with out a lot of the heartache here. And to keep up the positivity. But I have to tell you.

A lot of the time, I am not positive.

My personal story is long, complicated and arduous. Maybe one day I will share it here. Our road to a family is hard enough. I've shared it here a couple of times.

Monkey was six years in the making. And I am so, so grateful for him. I spend my days with him, especially the hard ones, trying to remember the prayers that I prayed, the tears I cried and the begging and pleading with God or Goddess, to any thing that might be listening. And you know what? Sometimes, it is hard to remember.

Kids can be difficult - especially moving through the toddler and preschool years. I had to admit to myself recently that homeschooling is not the best option for us. I believe wholeheartedly that it is a good and viable option. For me though? It was proving to be tough. Monkey is a very active kiddo, who needs constant stimulation. He has such a thirst to play, to go, to learn - I couldn't keep up. He flew through our school work in a matter of 60 to 90 minutes. But then I was left with the rest of the day and night - with no break and no clue. As a stay at home mommy of an only child - I am the playmate, as well as mommy and teacher. Perhaps if he had siblings, someone else to play with - to talk to - to bounce ideas off of - to ask questions - anything...it'd be slightly easier, as I wouldn't have to fill all these roles. Off he goes to Kindergarten next week, and happy as a clam about it. Gotta tell you, I am terrified - happy - apprehensive.

It's been 5 years since Monkey was born. There has not been one iota of birth control used. Two rounds of fertility meds and IUIs. One miscarriage. And so I managed to convince myself, and later Kevin, that adoption was our best option. We are an interracial couple, who preferred a multiracial child. We were open to infants, and sibling groups. Surely it wouldn't be long until we were chosen by a mother making an adoption plan. We borrowed money against a vehicle, and went for it.

Ha. God proved me wrong again. We waited more than a year for our match. We spent several months there, with everything looking good. And after that baby girl was born, it felt like she was ripped away, leaving my heart raw. In reality; logically, I know that her mother decided to parent her. I know that she's loved. But...I loved her too. I still wonder about her. So we went for it again -- and had to turn away from a baby boy because we were out of money and couldn't afford the legal fees.

We decided to take a break from it all. No active trying to conceive (but that didn't stop my heart from wishing and hoping), no more moving forward with adoption. Nothing.

So here we are. Soon, we have to make a decision on reactivating our contract, or just chalking up the money paid to our adoption facilitator as lost. Once again, finances stand in our way. We have to pay a reactivation fee, get a new homestudy done, and be ready and able to pay legal fees IF we get a match and IF the adoption goes through.

Or maybe we could say, forget the money. And we could go back to fertility treatment. Before our move, we had all of our fertility testing updated with an awful doctor. You wouldn't believe it - but I have PCOS and Endometriosis! Who knew?! (Except us and several doctors!?) Anyway - that costs money too. Money that we simply don't have.

I don't know what to do. WE don't know what do.
And still every month, I hope and pray. That my stupid ovaries work. For two lines to appear on a pregnancy test. Never mind that we've never gotten pregnant on our own - not once in nearly 11 years.

My heart still stops, and my breath catches - every time a friend gets pregnant. Every baby that is born. I still go home and cry hot, silent tears at night. But I paste a smile on my face, and drum up some happiness for my friends. Because I am happy for them, and I love those adorable babies.

As my Monkey turns in to a Big Kid, and takes off for elementary school, I know he is slowly but surely leaving me behind. I love that boy, who will always be my baby, more than life. But if I am honest with myself, and with you?

My womb still aches for another pregnancy, to feel those magical moments again. I'd do just about anything for another 17 hour labor and delivery. To nurse away long nights, and wash mountains of diapers. I thought that the pain would lessen after having Monkey in our life - but losing the dream of a large family, and grieving the loss of the pregnancies I won't have? It still weighs heavily. Not as often, I admit. It seems like it might be fading most days. Considering leaving it all behind, because we simply can't afford it though, that fills me with panic. How can I say that I am ready to give up?

I'm not. I am. I'm not. I am.

Back and forth.

If a pile of money were to appear in front of me - the first thing I'd do is adopt babies. Babies (even if they're children, they're still babies) from El Salvador, Honduras, Burundi, Sierra Leone - everywhere. And then maybe, I'd revisit a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

I just wanted to be a Mommy to Many. Didn't seem like a lot to ask, a fairly simple life.
It seems it isn't to be.

How do I give up the future I thought I had?

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.

He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,

especially since he seems to think the camera 

is not only permanently attached to my hand, 

but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.

He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.

Our other good friend and I babyshare him

while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --

they turned out pretty awesome, I think.

******

Like the title of the post,

this is going to be all over the place.

Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 

the North Pole Experience

(with awesome friends).

Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.

Then Christmas! 

We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.

The Danes are doing well

(and Kira as well as she can).

I lost 20 pounds!!

Things are busy --

pumpkin patch,

community Halloween party,

friends Halloween party.

A few photo sessions.

Soccer games 

(and practice).

We're all home together.

We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.

Baby Dreams do not go away easily.

Adoption is off the table;

our contract is cancelled.

Though our home study is still current,

we have no way to find a match or placement.

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like

if we had adopted Baby Girl.

She's 7 months old now. 

Or Baby Boy...

He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards

infertility treatment again.

And the doctors insist that we begin testing

and procedures 

ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 

We're doing it anyway, 

but still. 

And since there is no chance of having

what worked before done,

this is really a shot in the dark. 

Just something to hope for, 

instead of doing nothing. 

And do you know what?

No matter what I do,

or who I talk to...

Every time I hear about someone

who wasn't planning,

didn't want, 

doesn't have employment handled, 

or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --

I feel broken. 

Inadequate. 

Less of Woman.

It hurts, and I try not to show it. 

But I want to break down,

melt into a puddle. 

I wonder about the 

baby we lost, 

Baby Girl who was in my arms,

and Baby Boy we had

to walk away from. 

It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.

I rage at God.

How can he give these beautiful,

tiny Blessings, 

to people that aren't ready?

That don't want them?

To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?

I know it is irrational.

It still doesn't go away. 

Trying to Breathe

But sometimes it seems impossible. 

Knowing he thinks about it too.

While looking for a baby carrier for a dear friend,

I realized I had never put the newborn 

clothes away from Baby Girl's

situation. 

Doing that yesterday evening was kind of a downer,

not a break down kind --

just pensive. 

It hurts to miss what you never really had. 

Anyway, Kevin and I were talking today while

Monkey was outside riding his bike,

walking on our stone wall

and generally being four. 

We were talking about our pending move,

and if going earlier than planned 

is an option. 

But then he came over to us. 

Out of the blue,

"I don't think we're getting any more babies."

I said to Kevin, I think it is because 

his best friend just got a new little brother. 

Monkey piped back up,

"Yeah. She got her baby sister

and a baby brother. 

We get zero."

He showed us zero with fingers to emphasize. 

I guess we've got to figure out what we're going to do. 

It hurts my heart that my sweet little boy

is worrying and wondering about siblings.

Two Years

Friday marked two years of waiting to adopt.
I ignored this, didn't want to think about it.
I honestly never thought that we would wait this long.
We are ready! And have been!
But...we're still here.
No end in sight.


Sometimes, 

I wish we hadn't even tried to adopt.

I hate knowing that we were so close, more than once.

I hate knowing that legislation enacted more 

than a year and a half after we began our adoption journey

is stopping us. 

Sometimes, 

I wish that we hadn't formed a bond.

That we hadn't had a second match.

I wonder about both those babies,

their families and mommies. 

Sometimes,

I wish that I knew how to reach out,

and get our faces and information

to a mother considering adoption,

privately.

But I don't know how. 

And I know that I get to wonder.

Are there more children in the future for our family?

I am so, so grateful that we had our Monkey.

It's still hard to slowly lose our dreams

of a houseful of kiddos.

Pictures here, Pictures there, Pictures Everywhere!

It's been awhile since I posted, 

but I can honestly say that's because

Monkey and I have been so busy! 

We had a week of summer camp,

a week of VBS,

a visit to the zoo in El Paso, 

a birthday party, 

free movie Tuesdays,

and swimming lessons going on! 

Kevin is still away for training,

but is doing amazing at it! 

And he'll be home in just a few more weeks! 

So, I thought I would catch you all up 

on some pictures that were long promised. 

 This is Monkey at Farm Day, holding a kid. (Baby goats are adorable, people!)

 Here he is being a silly guy at his 4th birthday! 

 The table of awesome at his party! 

Banner says Super Brandon. 

We had Yoshi Eggs, Toad Pops, Ice Power,

Fire Power, Star Power, Mario Mustaches, 

Wii-mote controls, and Power Up Water. 

And cupcakes. With ice cream.

Cupcakes are awesome. 

 Another view.

I should clarify that we also had

sub sandwiches and chips.

The stuff on the table was to take home. 

 Brandon and awesome Coach Austin after the 

Summer Gym Magic Recital. 

Monkey and his classed worked their moves

to the song, 

Moves Like Jagger. 

 Sneaky being a silly bird. 

He is on his back in my hand. 

And one more from Farm Day. He wasn't thrilled

about the horse ride so much. 

Not a lot going on in other news. 

I talked to R a little bit, 

and they are doing great! 

I am glad that we still talk. 

I hope you all are having great summers,

and those of you waiting for an adoption placement 

get a match soon. 

I still wish sometimes that things had turned out different, 

but financially it is just not possible. 

I dream of making a private match sometimes,

but that is pretty much a non-existant thing. 

One day though, 

we will grow our family -

somehow. 

 

A Match?!

Lifetime called us today! 

I actually didn't even realize that I had missed a call, 

until the stupid voicemail icon wouldn't get off of my screen! 

I called back as soon as I got the message. 

An expectant mom chose us.

I'll call her S here. 

The baby is a boy. 

Due August 5. 

I was told that she found us on Lifetime's website, 

and that we were it for her baby boy. 

They sent her paperwork,

and she called back to make sure that we hadn't been matched in the meantime, 

because she didn't want to work with another family!  

I don't know what to think!

Part of me is ecstatic, and so happy.

Another part is terrified. 

I do not think I can go through 

another failed adoption. 

We spoke to a lawyer,

who told us that our state has changed it's laws,

and this is a problem for us. 

They've made it illegal

to work with adoption agencies 

outside of this state. 

We have to make a decision on this almost immediately. 

Moving forward with this situation

will mean that we file a petition

with the courts immediately 

to try and and get around this law.

It would be argued that

A) It's unconstitutional.

B) That we signed a contract nearly two years ago with the adoption 

facilitator who is licensed in California. Why should this 

new law HERE and NOW affect us?

C) That before this law went into affect, 

we had a failed adoption.

In effect, the state is punishing us because we chose to use a facilitator, 

outside of the state, 

and had a failed placement. 

The judge could rule against us, and say that we can't go through with it. 

If it is granted, and the baby is born, 

and the adoption is finalized;

the case could still be appealed. 

We are still recovering financially. 

This would be really hard financially. 

This will be really hard emotionally. 

What if the judge allows it, 

or the law is overturned, 

only for the placement to fail?

There are never any guarantees, 

I get that. 

Believe me. 

I had no idea

that this much of me would be ripped open

and potentially put on display. 

I want this to be it. 

 

Ring!

I really wish the phone would ring.

Seriously, most people act like it is such an easy thing to adopt.

"Oh, trouble getting pregnant? Just adopt! There are so many people that can't/don't want to parent, 

and children that need homes!"

It's really freaking hard.

Domestic adoption = 

waiting for expectant mother to choose you. And seeing a lot of other prospective adoptive families whose wait is much shorter than yours.

Foster Adopt = 

getting placements and potentially losing them, because the ultimate goal of foster care in general is family reunification.

International adoption = 

much more expensive, extensive paper work, stringent regulations from both the country you adopt from and the one you live in. Still a L-O-N-G wait.

And watching teenagers and people who don't even WANT kids have them?

Sometimes, I feel like freaking out.

Sometimes I do it. (Inside. Or late at night.)

I wish I could see the fabric of the Lord's plan, 

because from where I sit, 

THIS SUCKS.

Holidays fast approaching...

I am finally getting over that cold, though I still sound funny. Woohoo! And can I just say that I love this time of year?!

Halloween with my one eyed, two horned monster was fabulous! We went trick or treating with some friends from Neverland (Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, a Pirate and a Pirate Princess). After we picked some  candy to stay, we put the rest outside and the Great Pumpkin took it and left a very fun "Let's Go Fishing Game!" Last year he brought us Cootie Bugs.

Next up: Breaking Dawn comes out on MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! (My birthday is November 19th). I know exactly what I will be doing to celebrate! After that, Thanksgiving (already planning our dinner) and getting ready for Christmas! The Nana (my mom) is coming out for Christmas this year! I am hoping that our big Santa gift will be on sale on Black Friday - if it is, I might brave the crowds.

This year, I am making some homemade gifts as well: a knit hoodie for Monkey, gift baskets for the in laws, and probably a fun movie basket or something for my brother (that he can enjoy with his girlfriend). I would tell you what I am making Kevin and the Nana, but they read here so I can't!

I also have some amazing adoption news to share!

The expectant mother that we have emailed a few times would like to speak to us! We are working on scheduling a call with Lifetime. We are so excited! And nervous! But excited! Please continue to keep her in your thoughts as she makes this difficult decision, as well as us! 

Will keep you posted!

One Year Today

It's strange to think that today, August 17, we have officially been waiting to adopt a second child for a year.

We first started trying to conceive another child two years ago.

Since we waited and tried for Monkey for 6 years, I suppose we're still doing well. Some days, like today, remaining positive can be a struggle. It is hard not to question ourselves, the profile, are we good enough....

Today, I will feel a little frustrated and sad. Tomorrow, I will find my positivity again.

March Check In

Every month, we are required to fill out a check in form for Lifetime. We update any information that has changed (none. Who moves/changes jobs/does anything that will affect the home study while adopting?); what we've done to further our adoption plan (looking for a local lawyer this month, we got referrals from our social worker); and do we have any questions.

The answer is always the same. Do we need to send in more profiles? Is there anything that we can do on our end? Have we had any activity at all?!

We are good on profiles this month. We haven't had to send in more after our original 50.

It was suggested that we consider adding audio or video to our website. We are considering this, but it's kind of nerve wracking! What does one say in an interview to a faceless person that we have never met who is trying to make a humongous decision for a precious baby?

SOMEONE INQUIRED ABOUT US JUST LAST NIGHT! Lifetime has sent this mother, bless her heart, the paperwork and things for her to fill out. If she does make an adoption plan, we've at least made a blip on her radar!

I hope that we hear something. I find myself saying a quick prayer before I look at the Caller ID before I answer the phone! We are both waiting on pins and needles for this to happen for our family. I've had lots of dreams, all different scenarios and people, about meeting our second child.

I hope it is in His plan to happen soon.