God is Thinking About It

Today, and for the past few days, 

I have been cleaning up and organizing around the house. 

Scrubbing bird cages and litter boxes

etc. 

Tonight I was putting Kiwi's old cage into our garage instead

of in the room with Sneakybird. 

Monkey was out with me 

while I was cleaning outside. 

He saw the mirror that we had installed in the car, 

above the infant seat, 

so that we could see the baby from the front. 

Monkey asked, 

"Mommy, will we use that mirror?"

"What mirror, Monkey?"

"The one so I can see the baby!"

 "Well, if we get another baby we will."

"It's gonna take a long time, huh?"

"It might."

"We might not get another baby, huh?"

"We might not, Monkey. I don't know."

"No, we will! God is just thinkin' about which one. He's thinkin' everyday."

"Oh, He is?"

"Yeah. If you pray and ask about it, God will give you one."

Well, that was a conversation out of the blue. 

Made me think about it. 

I did pray regularly about it in the beginning, 

but mostly because of specific situation I saw

that touched me. 

I prayed about R and her situation as well. 

Not so much since. 

I related the conversation to Kevin tonight, 

and he said,

"You know, I haven't really prayed about it.

I was hoping, but not praying. It's crazy that

our four year old said that."

 

We're OK

Mr Monkey was released from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon.

Other than getting tired easily 

(which our regular family doctor says is typical of pneumonia),

he seems to be fully recovered.

Our biggest hurdle has been getting him back on track

and realizing that he cannot have his way about what to eat

(because we were desperate for him to eat anything at all)

and watching movies all day

(because what else is there to do when stuck to a hospital bed by an IV and SpO2 monitor?).

Today, I took him to Lowe's Build and Grow workshop.

We haven't been in a few months,

and he greatly enjoyed that.

****

I also finally contacted the lawyer that we retained in our failed adoption.

We are entitled to a small refund, 

due to the fact that the paperwork had already been drafted

since there were no indicators that R had chosen to parent.

That was the hardest thing:

she asked me when I would be back the next morning with my family,

and five minutes later said that she couldn't go through with it. 

Anyway, 

I am glad we get a portion of the money back.

****

I am also not feeling very positive or hopeful about things.

I feel like throwing in the towel.

Maybe it's just not meant to be. 

We'll wait until the end of our contract

(which now ends in November),

but I don't know if we will extend it any further.

Seeing so many other families adopt 

in such a short period,

while we wait and wait and wait

is disheartening.

Ten years of not preventing pregnancy,

eight years of actively trying to conceive,

seven fertility cycles with IUI,

more than 24 months of fertility drugs.

Two pregnancies,

one miscarriage.

Eighteen months of waiting to be chosen to adopt,

a home study and home study update,

a lost retainer, 

one close encounter with a mother considering adoption,

one long term "match" with another mother considering adoption,

leading to

a failed adoption.

I don't know how much more I can take in my heart.

It's hard on a marriage, 

the ever hopefulness that leads to despair.

A little boy who notices his friends have siblings,

and wonders why he doesn't,

especially since he thought he did.

I don't know what the right path is.

I was playing on Pinterest and ran across a pin of a Bible verse.

I needed it today, so I leave it with you.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:17-18

Ring!

I really wish the phone would ring.

Seriously, most people act like it is such an easy thing to adopt.

"Oh, trouble getting pregnant? Just adopt! There are so many people that can't/don't want to parent, 

and children that need homes!"

It's really freaking hard.

Domestic adoption = 

waiting for expectant mother to choose you. And seeing a lot of other prospective adoptive families whose wait is much shorter than yours.

Foster Adopt = 

getting placements and potentially losing them, because the ultimate goal of foster care in general is family reunification.

International adoption = 

much more expensive, extensive paper work, stringent regulations from both the country you adopt from and the one you live in. Still a L-O-N-G wait.

And watching teenagers and people who don't even WANT kids have them?

Sometimes, I feel like freaking out.

Sometimes I do it. (Inside. Or late at night.)

I wish I could see the fabric of the Lord's plan, 

because from where I sit, 

THIS SUCKS.

Trying to remember this....

Heading for Home

For the most part,

I would say that I feel ok.

Our family, friends, and church family have been incredibly supportive.

I harbor no ill will for R.

I can understand her choices.

Though I do admit that I don't feel much invested in everything right now.

Cooking, cleaning....

Don't really care.

I could use more Monkey snuggles, 

but he's a big boy now and doesn't share them as freely.

I just don't know what to do about the things.

The car seat and cradle we borrowed,

they are easily returned.

But first I have to take the seat out of our car.

I have to face the cradle in the bedroom.

A good chunk of the clothes were borrowed,

so they can go back.

But some of it wasn't.

We got the call about 12 hours before she was born

that the dresser we ordered is ready for pick up.

The lovely gifts we got at our shower.

All the things I knit.

All the diapers that I have bought.

The new yarn that I just ordered the day before we left.

I have to face those things.

And that is the easy part,

because they aren't directly tied to her.

There are pictures.

Quite a few of them.

Of baby.

Baby & Monkey.

Baby & Kevin.

Baby & R.

The outfit she wore

and spilled formula on.

The hospital bracelet.

What do I do with these things?

 *****

We contacted Lifetime today, just to check in.

After being assured by R that she would call them,

just so they would know that she is doing alright,

she hasn't. 

However, that doesn't really affect us,

I just worry for her.

And care about her.

Anyway, we've decided to update our adoption profiles.

They're a year and a half old now.

A few little things have changed.

Update pictures and colors and layout.

We want to go back "active."

Hopefully there is something in store for us. 

Anniversary

Today, Kevin and I have been married 8 years.

We were married in Charleston, SC on the first day of spring.

We were supposed to be bringing a baby into our family today.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. 

The hardest part of today was having to explain in to Monkey.

More than once.

When explaining adoption, we told him that our new baby would have two kinds of mommies:

a Tummy Mommy

&

an Every Day Mommy.

 Our course of action was to explain that her Tummy Mommy, R,

(he met her)

loved baby too much to give her to us.

And that God would find us another baby.

He was upset, angry.

Said it wasn't fair.

However he was easily distracted.

We took him to Sea World San Antonio today!

With their Here's to the Hero's program by Anhauser-Busch,

we got free admission.

He loved seeing Shamu.

We fed dolphins.

Saw many, many animals:

flamingos, sharks, coral reef & tropical fish, stingrays.

We also got him to go one a mini kid sized roller coaster - he loved it.

Got him on a river ride, loved that too.

So we took him on the HUGE water ride.

He loved that one so much that we had to ride it three times.

He looks so terrified during,

cackles like a banshee after,

and then wants to do it again.

Totally got that from me.

I love roller coasters.

We came back to the hotel, showered and changed.

Went to The Cheesecake Factory for our anniversary.

I had mango key lime cheesecake with a coconut/vanilla macaroon crust.

Twas awesome.

Getting out of the car back here though, Monkey asked if I still had my bracelet.

"What bracelet?"

"The one that lets everybody know we can go see baby sister."

I tried to re-explain that R loves her so much,

she can't give us the baby.

And that hopefully God will help us find another baby.

Slowly Going Fast

Oxymoron, yes? 

But that is how adoption feels. Find an agency/facilitator; find a social worker and get home study done; make adoption profiles...then wait. Once you've done everything you can do, that's all there is.

Then it happens! Someone would like to speak to you about adopting their baby. In our case, we've spent a couple of months getting to know R. After we heard the news that we had been chosen, suddenly there was more to do. We were due for our annual home study update - did that. Found a lawyer in her state - done! Mail the retainer, and a copy of the updated home study. Talk to R. Form a relationship, a bond of sorts.

As it becomes more real, we've started to get ready. Clothes, cradle, car seat. Bottles, blankets. Talk to our Monkey about Baby Sister. Last week, we had a wonderful shower. This is the week that we are supposed to go and meet R in person! We made these arrangements so that we could get to know each other in person, and also because she has delivered fast before. Since she invited me to be in the delivery room, R and I thought that us being nearby was the better plan since we live about 12 hours apart.

Now it seems like it is moving so fast! But crawling by at the same time. As D-day approaches, I find myself more nervous. Right now, we have to take it on faith; trust and believe in God's will. But....will everything go as planned? Will R's wishes about delivery and signing TPR be honored? Will the doctors and nurses be supportive of her in the way that she needs, and not pressure her to sign or to parent? What if R does decide to parent? Will Kevin and I be able to graciously accept this decision and not completely turn into a puddle?

This is an amazing, hopeful time for us. It is a heart-wrenching, tumultuous time for R. 

Above all, this is absolutely terrifying.

Planning for a Baby!

We are still SO over the moon.

A baby!

A GIRL!

It's all working out so amazingly well. It's been awesome to get to know R. She is seriously the sweetest most selfless person I have ever had the privilege of "meeting" (since we haven't met officially yet). While we've been getting to know each other, she's made me cry more than a few times. R said one thing that I will  not forget for as long as I live, and neither will our daughter. 

After reading this blog, R wrote me and said that she feels God has brought us together, and that maybe he didn't allow me to bear another child because He knew that she would need me one day. It was the most amazing, selfless, heart wrenching things I have ever heard. 

It put our wait into perspective. His timing. Not mine, or Kevin's. We waited because He knew that THIS baby girl was the one for us. 

Aaaaah! Nerves and Halloween...

Have I mentioned that I love Halloween? It's one of my favorite holidays! It's also during my favorite season - FALL! Well, it's not so fall-ish here in the desert lately...but TONIGHT it was! Monkey's former teacher and friend of mine invited us to a Halloween party! Monkey is going as "a monster, wif one eye and TWO HORNS! *evil laugh!*Kevin is dressed as some random evil thing (black and red, freaky skull mask and hood). I am a vampire. A pale, sparkly vampire. Yeah, I am one of THOSE people. The ones who like love Twilight. Pics pending! (I've *really* got to download that camera soon...)

We went to the Pumpkin Festival at our local corn maze - the same one with the ducky races from last year. We've also been participating in the Lowe's Build and Grow program...Did you know that it's FREE?! I didn't. I am very glad that I've been informed, because Monkey LOVES it! We've made a Monster Machine and a Monster truck so far (both in October).

What else has been happening....oh, yes! I had to have a root canal and then the next week I was attacked by a horrible virus that had me mostly in bed for 3 days. The doctor says that the virus was likely from one of the little creatures at preschool; you see what I get for volunteering?

But I have much better news.

The expectant mom that changed her mind? She is reconsidering adoption as an option! She, her boyfriend and their daughter have been in our prayers - that they would find peace in their decision, whatever it may be. Much to our surprise, today we got an email (through the facilitator) from her! We're really excited to get to know her better and see what this situation holds for everyone! I am asking that you add them to your prayer list - guidance and a clear heart to make the best decision for themselves and their daughter!

VBS, the ER & Independance Day

I volunteered to be a Tour Guide for Vacation Bible School at our church. The theme this year was "Upside Down and Inside Out on Main Street." My class was the second and third graders - as a tour guide, I helped herd them from one place on Main Street to the next.

It was really exhausting, but tons of fun. I learned right along with the kiddos. Monkey was able to attend as well - his class were Firefighters! (Mine were Tourists.)

This our upside down Main Street. 

Yes, Kevin's arms (and mine!) hurt after hanging that. 

Kevin and Monkey helped build the fire truck. 

After Kevin made the ladder, I cut out the rungs.

And here is Main Street in the Sanctuary.

We also learned songs (including sign language) that infiltrated my brain for days. Luckily they were cute, and had generally good messages. The one that followed me around in my head the most was "I'll adjust my attitude - to gratitude - thank God for everything!"

**

As great as the week was, we did have one very rough day. Monday when Monkey and I left the church, he said his tummy hurt. He used the restroom, and I thought that was the end. On our drive home though, he was in tears off and on with pain. 

At the house, I checked his temp and found a low grade fever. Decided to get him checked, and was assured everything was fine. Came home, he took a nap. Monkey woke up with a 104 degree fever and in lots of pain again. Decided to go the ER - spent HOURS there being evaluated for appendicitis. Poor thing had to get an IV (for blood draws and a bolus of fluids) - had a bag taped on to catch a urine sample (this really, really, REALLY offended him) and then a CT scan. 

Turns out he had some swollen lymph nodes in the same area as the appendix and those were causing pain. Got home at 1:30 in the morning. He ran a slight fever Tuesday, but nothing dramatic. Slept a lot. The next day, while tired, he was totally fine.

Stressful.

**

 We had a fairly low key Independence Day here. Stayed at the house most of the day, watched a movie and played with Monkey. After his nap, we went to one of Kevin's co-workers house (with lots of people from work) who had a great view of the fireworks from his backyard! (Woohoo! No traffic to deal with!) It was fun, but we left soon after as Monkey was tired and beginning to melt down. 

Today was the first day that Monkey and I have managed to stay home and not leave the house  in two weeks. I had a lot of fun wearing pajamas. All. Day. Long. (Don't judge)

Waiting...

I know that I haven't posted much in the way of adoption updates.

Right now, there simply aren't any. That there hasn't been any activity is pretty hard some days. We've updated our website with Lifetime. They aren't in need of any profiles (though we are considering updating some minor things just to do something productive). Lifetime has suggested we add a video or an audio message to the site, but to be honest, speaking to someone I have never met seems utterly terrifying.

We're just taking life as it comes right now, remaining hopeful...Sometimes my new-found faith struggles with the wait, seeing other Mommy's become pregnant and have their babies, seeing other Hopeful Adoptive Parents meet their new bundle. All you need is faith the size of a mustard seed though, right?

Monkey has been going to summer camp at his school for the past two weeks - each week is a different country! He's learned about Ireland and Chile. I have been volunteering with another Mommy from his class and doing snack for all of the camp (only about 25 kids). Next week is Vacation Bible School. Monkey is attending, and I have volunteered to help with the second grade children, taking them from one activity to the next. I will also be the photographer!

I've *really* got to take the time and update my reading list! I've read tons of books. Most of them on my handy-dandy Nook. I pretty much carry it with me at all times. Oh! Kevin & I are participating in a 12 week class at church called Beginnings. It is supposed to help believers and non-believers alike learn about themselves and Christianity. So far, pretty interesting.

Must be off now, bloggers. The Monkey is having trouble sleeping.

Ash Wednesday

Today marks the beginning of the Lenten season - 40 days; from now until Easter - we should reflect, mourn and repent our sins to the Lord.

I've never participated in Lent before - mostly because the churches I went to as a kid didn't. Or if they did, I didn't know, because we didn't go very often. And then as I got older, questioning faith and participating for a time in other faiths (which most definitely influence me today) I didn't have a reason to.

The church we've started attending -where Monkey goes to preschool - does follow this practice. Tonight there are Ash Wednesday services, which I have never been to. I am nervous about going, mostly because I hate going to things alone and Kevin is working tonight.

I've decided to go along with all Lenten customs, and give up something; and also to DO something. The things I won't be doing is cussing. I cuss a lot, mostly in just normal conversation. Apparently, more so than I thought, because when I told Kevin this he laughed! Actually laughed! He told me, "It's supposed to be a sacrifice, something hard; not something impossible!" Then laughed some more. Oh well. I will just show him!

The thing I am doing, I will be keeping private until the Lent season is over. I will reflect on it here after I am done.

I think I won't give up my celebrating of Life returning to Earth; spring is wonderful! I love the new plants, flowers, trees getting leaves...and I love decorating with eggs and seeing new baby animals, the most prolific of which is bunnies. We saw bunches of them last night.

What are you doing or not doing this Lent season? What will you give up? If you are not Christian, what faith do you celebrate? What are your customs for the return of Spring, and Life?

A Nook & Some Faith

Kevin - wonderful husband that he is - bought me a Nook Color!

I am very excited. As I mentioned before, I *love* to read. Devour books. For example, yesterday when we were at Barnes & Noble (when Kevin bought said Nook), I read "Heaven is For Real," by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. It's a really great book, about a little 4 year old called Colton. He came out of a very serious surgery with an amazing story about having visited Heaven. It's remarkably in line with a couple of other books I have read about similar things - "90 Minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper and "The Boy Who came Back from Heaven: A Remarkable Account of Miracles, Angels and Life Beyond This World" by Kevin & Alex Malarkey."

*Side note - I have really been drawn to these books the last few months. Not sure why, but they have helped me find footing in faith again. I should mention that I now believe this journey of mine - back to faith in Christ - began with hearing about this amazing artist called Akiane. Oddly enough, she is mentioned in "Heaven is For Real."

*Side side note - I even started going to church. For me, this is truly momentous. I would feel panicky even setting foot in a church because of a childhood incident. I believe that some things I dealt with in childhood became the root of my waning faith; what eventually became a lack of faith and then a series of long steps that led me to learn about other faiths before I could begin to find where I fit. I am just now finding it, but it feels good so far.

Another odd fact - I read the two other books I mentioned while I was in the book store. Which brings me back to the Nook! Kevin feels that this is an investment in his sanity, I think. I collect books. Two bookshelves are filled; there is a box full in the spare room and my nightstand is piled quite high with books. Now that I can store these on my magical Nook, I think he hopes I will not be bringing home a new book or two a week!

I've mentioned the books that have touched me the most recently, but I have several authors that I read rather...passionately. Christine Feehan for instance - I love all of the series that she is writing. I buy them the second I see them, usually. And Kim Harrison's 'The Hollows' series. I love Nora Roberts as well. And of course, Twilight. Truthfully, that list does not begin to cover the authors I read and books I have. I could go on and on and on.

But now...Now I can get them for a lower price, carry them ALL with me, and my Nook is smart enough to remember my pages in all of them. Plus they have Free Book Fridays. What more could I want?!

Reading

I've got a few longer posts that I plan on getting up in the next week or so, but just wanted to post something quickly.

I read. A lot. A whole lot, actually. In fact one of my posts is all about books. I might endeavor to keep a list of books I have read this year on the blog and update you with my thoughts and opinions. Anyway, one of them I am reading had a great quote in it, that is actually from another book.

If faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know its own power? -Gary Parker, The Gift of Doubt

(Which is now on my list to read.)
Anyway, just a thought for the day.

New Blog Design

While we're wishing, hoping and fervently praying that we hear something soon, I decided to update the background to reflect our hopeful Christmas Miracle.

Maybe it'll bring us some luck!

A Prayers and Positive Thoughs Request

Tonight, we heard of a possibly available adoption situation - a baby girl born on CHRISTMAS DAY, no less - from a dear friend!

We have passed along all of our information and praying to hear that this could be our baby!

I don't want to post details until we know more, but please send out thoughts and prayers for us! This is very nerve-racking to say the least. The planner in me is ready to start getting things in order, but I don't want to do that and have things fall through. So maybe throw in a prayer or two for patience?

Adoption thus far...

There hasn't been a whole lot of action on the adoption front. Our home study is nearly complete - just waiting on the background checks from the last two states we have lived in, and then it will be absolutely, finally complete. This gives me some measure of hope, as then we will be able to be presented to potential first families that are making a last minute decision.

I have decided to donate all of my maternity clothes to our adoption facilitators birth mother closet. They give clothing, food and other assistance to mothers that they are working with that need help. I am clearly not going to be needing the maternity clothes, and someone else can get much more use out of them.

The waiting seems...interminable.

I know it hasn't been very long in the grand scheme of things, as we've only been active for about four months. In pregnancy time, we'd be past the first trimester and the most risk of miscarriage. We'd be hearing the heartbeat for the first time. We'd wonder about screening results, and bicker about whether or not to find out the gender. We'd start finalizing what type of birth we wanted and work toward that goal.

With adoption, we don't have milestones to look forward to. We don't have a way to mark the passage of the time, or a definitive - or even a hazy - outlook on when we can expect to be blessed with our second child.



I have not ever been a very religious person. I have felt the need to "try on" different faiths but nothing has ever felt quite right. Honestly, I was content with out it. I felt that there was SOMETHING out there, bigger than we can know, but not what or who. In general, I regard faith as a mountain, with many paths to the top. And my view of God has been like a beautifully cut diamond - one whole with many different facets, and each facet having had a name.

Now...I feel something different. I don't have a name for it. I find myself reading and reading to find where I fit. Most recently, I have read, in order: The Faith Club by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner; The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller; and finally, The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.

I really liked the first and last book - the second didn't hold my attention as well. Lee Strobel's book convinced me to buy it because he was an atheist, whose wife became Christian. He thought she was out of her mind, so did a ton of research for himself, that led to his own conversion to Christianity. He also has some other books that I intend to read - The Case for a Creator, The Case for Faith, The Case for the Real Jesus.

I'm not sure where my journey will lead me, but I hope that it is a fulfilling one. It relates back to our Adoption Journey, because I have felt what I haven't really felt the need to do before, except sporadically. To pray. I am not sure to Who, and I hope that someone is Listening to my pleas. I think I want to believe, and have faith, but I'm not sure how.

For now, what I have will be enough.

Tonight, that is a fervent prayer, hope and wish for all of the women struggling with the decision to place their precious children for adoption. I pray for a faceless woman that I have yet to meet that she finds peace with herself, her God, and her decision. I hope she finds Joy in finding the perfect family for her Child. I hope that one day, some how, one of you beautiful souls chooses our family.