Two Years

Friday marked two years of waiting to adopt.
I ignored this, didn't want to think about it.
I honestly never thought that we would wait this long.
We are ready! And have been!
But...we're still here.
No end in sight.


Sometimes, 

I wish we hadn't even tried to adopt.

I hate knowing that we were so close, more than once.

I hate knowing that legislation enacted more 

than a year and a half after we began our adoption journey

is stopping us. 

Sometimes, 

I wish that we hadn't formed a bond.

That we hadn't had a second match.

I wonder about both those babies,

their families and mommies. 

Sometimes,

I wish that I knew how to reach out,

and get our faces and information

to a mother considering adoption,

privately.

But I don't know how. 

And I know that I get to wonder.

Are there more children in the future for our family?

I am so, so grateful that we had our Monkey.

It's still hard to slowly lose our dreams

of a houseful of kiddos.

Some Fun and Some Thoughts

Monkey had his very first soccer practice tonight!

He really seemed to love it.

Kevin is one of the assistant coaches for his team -

it was adorable watching them attempt

warm-ups and kicking the ball around. 

Monkey was super proud and thought

he "looked SO cool!"

wearing his shin guards, socks and cleats. 

I think it will be a lot of fun for all of us. 

*****

On another note, we keep going back and forth with this. 

Since we have a move coming in the next several months,

should we wait until then to reactivate our contract?

Do it now, and let it run out?
Wait, wait - we finally remembered that damn law.
The one that doesn't let us work with outside agencies, facilitators
or adoption professionals.
So how do we reach out then?
How on earth is a mother considering adoption
supposed to FIND a family like us?
Should we just...

Go back to fertility treatments?

I really wish it weren't so hard to provide

a loving home for a child.

You always hear about the kids that are neglected, 

abused, abandoned....

why are there so many parents

who WANT to adopt, but can't then?

*****

Back!

Monkey and I have been back from our trip 

to South Carolina for about a week and a half.

Kevin got back from training

last Friday. 

Our family is back in the same house! 

It's been awesome. 

Monkey is like a velcro leach onto

Daddy, but it's very cute 

(and annoying at times, I'm sure.)

However, I am not the leachee, 

so not my issue. 

We had fun in SC, 

got to see The Nana, 

go to the beach

(where everyone burned but Monkey, 

because he has awesome skin). 

Had fun with friends. 

And since we've been back, playing with Daddy has been number one. 

There was a Pampered Chef Part here tonight. 

A baby shower on Saturday 

for a friend here. 

Tomorrow is washing serving dishes, 

making pompoms, 

and baking biscuits. 

Her shower is going to be a tea. 

Was supposed to be a brunch, 

but that is a long, ugly story. 

Everything is going well this summer. 

God is Thinking About It

Today, and for the past few days, 

I have been cleaning up and organizing around the house. 

Scrubbing bird cages and litter boxes

etc. 

Tonight I was putting Kiwi's old cage into our garage instead

of in the room with Sneakybird. 

Monkey was out with me 

while I was cleaning outside. 

He saw the mirror that we had installed in the car, 

above the infant seat, 

so that we could see the baby from the front. 

Monkey asked, 

"Mommy, will we use that mirror?"

"What mirror, Monkey?"

"The one so I can see the baby!"

 "Well, if we get another baby we will."

"It's gonna take a long time, huh?"

"It might."

"We might not get another baby, huh?"

"We might not, Monkey. I don't know."

"No, we will! God is just thinkin' about which one. He's thinkin' everyday."

"Oh, He is?"

"Yeah. If you pray and ask about it, God will give you one."

Well, that was a conversation out of the blue. 

Made me think about it. 

I did pray regularly about it in the beginning, 

but mostly because of specific situation I saw

that touched me. 

I prayed about R and her situation as well. 

Not so much since. 

I related the conversation to Kevin tonight, 

and he said,

"You know, I haven't really prayed about it.

I was hoping, but not praying. It's crazy that

our four year old said that."

 

Pictures here, Pictures there, Pictures Everywhere!

It's been awhile since I posted, 

but I can honestly say that's because

Monkey and I have been so busy! 

We had a week of summer camp,

a week of VBS,

a visit to the zoo in El Paso, 

a birthday party, 

free movie Tuesdays,

and swimming lessons going on! 

Kevin is still away for training,

but is doing amazing at it! 

And he'll be home in just a few more weeks! 

So, I thought I would catch you all up 

on some pictures that were long promised. 

 This is Monkey at Farm Day, holding a kid. (Baby goats are adorable, people!)

 Here he is being a silly guy at his 4th birthday! 

 The table of awesome at his party! 

Banner says Super Brandon. 

We had Yoshi Eggs, Toad Pops, Ice Power,

Fire Power, Star Power, Mario Mustaches, 

Wii-mote controls, and Power Up Water. 

And cupcakes. With ice cream.

Cupcakes are awesome. 

 Another view.

I should clarify that we also had

sub sandwiches and chips.

The stuff on the table was to take home. 

 Brandon and awesome Coach Austin after the 

Summer Gym Magic Recital. 

Monkey and his classed worked their moves

to the song, 

Moves Like Jagger. 

 Sneaky being a silly bird. 

He is on his back in my hand. 

And one more from Farm Day. He wasn't thrilled

about the horse ride so much. 

Not a lot going on in other news. 

I talked to R a little bit, 

and they are doing great! 

I am glad that we still talk. 

I hope you all are having great summers,

and those of you waiting for an adoption placement 

get a match soon. 

I still wish sometimes that things had turned out different, 

but financially it is just not possible. 

I dream of making a private match sometimes,

but that is pretty much a non-existant thing. 

One day though, 

we will grow our family -

somehow. 

 

Up and Down

It's been a pretty good day.

Church this morning,

playing with Monkey.

Super-Cleaning Day -

moved all the furniture and vacuumed blinds 

kinda cleaning. 

But in the back of my mind, 

it's a hard day.

This week, we were given an option from Lifetime

that would involve another attorney/agency.

The whole thing felt kind of unethical,

but it didn't work out anyway.

It would have cost nearly $12K more.

Ha.

So...we froze our contract.

Technically we can do this for up to nine months,

pay a reactivation fee (crappy, IMO)

and go back active.

If we move during this nine months, 

we might be able to complete our contract.

It's hard, knowing that for now,

it's over.

There is no chance for us to adopt at this time.

It's heartbreaking.

To know that we were so close,

having held a baby in our arms 

and walked away.
That was my worst fear,
and it came true. 

To know that we almost made it again.

And now it's done. 

I hope that we are able to recoup financially,

and able to pursue adoption.

I hate that it has cost us SO much,

and not just monetarily.

It's a terrible roller coaster.

It would have been totally worth it,

if it ended happily.

But it hasn't. 

It makes me wonder if we should have just 

poured all this money into fertility treatment.

Rough Week

Kevin left for training.

His sister moved into her first apartment. 

Last night, Kiwi bird died. 

Ugh.