It really does

After being busy during the holiday season,

it's been a rough few months.

Apparently I have lost all ability

to put on a happy face.

 

Infertility hurts.

 

And I truly believed that 

Adoption was where God was leading us.

But that's not true either.

 

And I am so emotionally beat up

and beat down. 

 

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.

He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,

especially since he seems to think the camera 

is not only permanently attached to my hand, 

but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.

He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.

Our other good friend and I babyshare him

while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --

they turned out pretty awesome, I think.

******

Like the title of the post,

this is going to be all over the place.

Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 

the North Pole Experience

(with awesome friends).

Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.

Then Christmas! 

We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.

The Danes are doing well

(and Kira as well as she can).

I lost 20 pounds!!

Things are busy --

pumpkin patch,

community Halloween party,

friends Halloween party.

A few photo sessions.

Soccer games 

(and practice).

We're all home together.

We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.

Baby Dreams do not go away easily.

Adoption is off the table;

our contract is cancelled.

Though our home study is still current,

we have no way to find a match or placement.

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like

if we had adopted Baby Girl.

She's 7 months old now. 

Or Baby Boy...

He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards

infertility treatment again.

And the doctors insist that we begin testing

and procedures 

ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 

We're doing it anyway, 

but still. 

And since there is no chance of having

what worked before done,

this is really a shot in the dark. 

Just something to hope for, 

instead of doing nothing. 

And do you know what?

No matter what I do,

or who I talk to...

Every time I hear about someone

who wasn't planning,

didn't want, 

doesn't have employment handled, 

or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --

I feel broken. 

Inadequate. 

Less of Woman.

It hurts, and I try not to show it. 

But I want to break down,

melt into a puddle. 

I wonder about the 

baby we lost, 

Baby Girl who was in my arms,

and Baby Boy we had

to walk away from. 

It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.

I rage at God.

How can he give these beautiful,

tiny Blessings, 

to people that aren't ready?

That don't want them?

To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?

I know it is irrational.

It still doesn't go away. 

Trying to Breathe

But sometimes it seems impossible. 

Photos

So I have been working on a big project. 

I've been studying photography for the better

part of three years --

ever since I got my DSLR.

After much thought,

I bit the bullet. 

I opened up a photography business!

  This is my super awesome logo. 

It's going a bit slow getting going --

but I have had 

two newborns, 

a family, 

and I have a senior session this weekend! 

I'm pretty happy about this whole thing! 

*****

Everything else is going well.

Monkey is growing like a weed.

We're mentally preparing for Christmas.

Planning a trip to the 

pumpkin patch and corn maze. 

Thanksgiving with some pretty awesome friends. 

Then, with those same friends, 

we are going to the 

North Pole Experience!

(The kiddos don't know yet.)

All in all, it's good. 

 

Knowing he thinks about it too.

While looking for a baby carrier for a dear friend,

I realized I had never put the newborn 

clothes away from Baby Girl's

situation. 

Doing that yesterday evening was kind of a downer,

not a break down kind --

just pensive. 

It hurts to miss what you never really had. 

Anyway, Kevin and I were talking today while

Monkey was outside riding his bike,

walking on our stone wall

and generally being four. 

We were talking about our pending move,

and if going earlier than planned 

is an option. 

But then he came over to us. 

Out of the blue,

"I don't think we're getting any more babies."

I said to Kevin, I think it is because 

his best friend just got a new little brother. 

Monkey piped back up,

"Yeah. She got her baby sister

and a baby brother. 

We get zero."

He showed us zero with fingers to emphasize. 

I guess we've got to figure out what we're going to do. 

It hurts my heart that my sweet little boy

is worrying and wondering about siblings.

Another Month

Sorry about that. 

There's been a lot going on. 

Mostly good, though --

just BUSY.

Monkey is back in preschool, 

three days a week. 

Up until today,

he still had weekly swim lessons. 

Now he's also playing soccer! 

It's pretty funny to watch four year olds play any

"organized" sport! 

I also joined a MOPs group

(Mothers Of Preschoolers).

I've only attended one meeting, 

but I really liked it. 

I even won a raffle! 

(And I never win stuff like that!)

It was a ceramic travel coffee mug

and a book. 

Can't share too many details about it, 

I'm thinking it might be something 

that I buy for someone else for Christmas. 

But the biggest news. 

I OPENED UP A PHOTOGRAPHY BUSINESS!

You can find my website

(which is still slightly under construction)

here.

I hope all is well with you and yours, 

and I promise I will be back more often.

Two Years

Friday marked two years of waiting to adopt.
I ignored this, didn't want to think about it.
I honestly never thought that we would wait this long.
We are ready! And have been!
But...we're still here.
No end in sight.


Sometimes, 

I wish we hadn't even tried to adopt.

I hate knowing that we were so close, more than once.

I hate knowing that legislation enacted more 

than a year and a half after we began our adoption journey

is stopping us. 

Sometimes, 

I wish that we hadn't formed a bond.

That we hadn't had a second match.

I wonder about both those babies,

their families and mommies. 

Sometimes,

I wish that I knew how to reach out,

and get our faces and information

to a mother considering adoption,

privately.

But I don't know how. 

And I know that I get to wonder.

Are there more children in the future for our family?

I am so, so grateful that we had our Monkey.

It's still hard to slowly lose our dreams

of a houseful of kiddos.