Ring!

I really wish the phone would ring.

Seriously, most people act like it is such an easy thing to adopt.

"Oh, trouble getting pregnant? Just adopt! There are so many people that can't/don't want to parent, 

and children that need homes!"

It's really freaking hard.

Domestic adoption = 

waiting for expectant mother to choose you. And seeing a lot of other prospective adoptive families whose wait is much shorter than yours.

Foster Adopt = 

getting placements and potentially losing them, because the ultimate goal of foster care in general is family reunification.

International adoption = 

much more expensive, extensive paper work, stringent regulations from both the country you adopt from and the one you live in. Still a L-O-N-G wait.

And watching teenagers and people who don't even WANT kids have them?

Sometimes, I feel like freaking out.

Sometimes I do it. (Inside. Or late at night.)

I wish I could see the fabric of the Lord's plan, 

because from where I sit, 

THIS SUCKS.

Trying to remember this....

Just Stuff

Kevin is taking the rest of the leave that he requested.

It's been nice having him home to help entertain the Monkey.

I realized that today is the last day to tag for the Moms, Tots and in-beTweens sale!

That's what I've been doing today.

Clearing out clothes from Monkey.

Extraneous toys, books, baby stuff.

It will be good to get more stuff out of the garage! 

(and buying more clothes for the ever-growing Monkey)

Friday I picked up the dresser we ordered.

After moving it upstairs with Kevin's sister,

I've decided that I hate moving heavy furniture and

that I love the Air Force for moving it for us.

I plan to actually put away the stuff we are keeping for Baby II,

and get it out of rubber tubs and the tiny closet under the stairs.

The Nana is coming to visit next month since she told Monkey 

that she would be here for his birthday party.

Speaking of which, I really need to get on planning that.

Ordering balloons and invitations and planning games.

It will be SUPER fun.

Not sharing the theme, because some of you might attend! 

Not So Bad

Today has been pretty good! 

It was great to sleep in our very own beds. 

I went to see The Hunger Games today with my sister-in-law.

I really loved the trilogy, 

and was pleasantly surprised to see the movie was actually fairly close. 

I then went shopping! Yay!

Bath & Body Works for some body wash since I lost mine. 

And got some new air fresheners for the car.

Target since I lost my shampoo too. :)

Kevin went to a co-workers going away lunch with Brandon.

Now Brandon is playing at the park with the coworkers wife and kids,

while Kevin plays golf.

He's kind of a dork like that. 

Now I am watching 27 Dresses because I can.

No one is here to tell me to watch cartoons! 

Mwahahahahaha!

Empty

That's the word of the day.

Car seat, cradle, swing, sling, arms, house.

EMPTY.

I didn't think I'd have any issues being back in our home. 

I guess I was wrong.

I put the swing back in the garage, and the cradle in the spare room.

The car is still packed, but the clothes and diapers will get put in there too.

I suppose we will go pick up the dresser, 

and then I will pack away the clothes, diapers, woolies and bottles.

I wandered around the house for a bit, unsure of what to do.

When we got here, we should have been busy.

Unpacking stuff.

Letting the dogs get a sniff of a blanket or hat to smell the baby.

Trying to relax, while juggling Monkey

and feedings, changing diapers, and basking in our new larger family.

I don't know what to do.

And whatever it is, I do NOT feel like doing it. 

No cooking. No unpacking.

Just forget it.

I am in my giant comfy bed, and here I will stay.

Part of me wishes I could just text or call R up like before.

Even though baby isn't ours, I felt that we had formed a friendship,

R and I.

I hope she's doing alright.

I wonder what she named the baby.

I hope her family keeps their word and gives her all the help she needs.

I want her to know that I am not mad.

Just brokenhearted.

But we both knew that one of us would leave the hospital brokenhearted.

How do you hope for that?

Someone to hurt?

Most of all, even though we want to,

how are we going to do this again?

Heading for Home

For the most part,

I would say that I feel ok.

Our family, friends, and church family have been incredibly supportive.

I harbor no ill will for R.

I can understand her choices.

Though I do admit that I don't feel much invested in everything right now.

Cooking, cleaning....

Don't really care.

I could use more Monkey snuggles, 

but he's a big boy now and doesn't share them as freely.

I just don't know what to do about the things.

The car seat and cradle we borrowed,

they are easily returned.

But first I have to take the seat out of our car.

I have to face the cradle in the bedroom.

A good chunk of the clothes were borrowed,

so they can go back.

But some of it wasn't.

We got the call about 12 hours before she was born

that the dresser we ordered is ready for pick up.

The lovely gifts we got at our shower.

All the things I knit.

All the diapers that I have bought.

The new yarn that I just ordered the day before we left.

I have to face those things.

And that is the easy part,

because they aren't directly tied to her.

There are pictures.

Quite a few of them.

Of baby.

Baby & Monkey.

Baby & Kevin.

Baby & R.

The outfit she wore

and spilled formula on.

The hospital bracelet.

What do I do with these things?

 *****

We contacted Lifetime today, just to check in.

After being assured by R that she would call them,

just so they would know that she is doing alright,

she hasn't. 

However, that doesn't really affect us,

I just worry for her.

And care about her.

Anyway, we've decided to update our adoption profiles.

They're a year and a half old now.

A few little things have changed.

Update pictures and colors and layout.

We want to go back "active."

Hopefully there is something in store for us. 

Anniversary

Today, Kevin and I have been married 8 years.

We were married in Charleston, SC on the first day of spring.

We were supposed to be bringing a baby into our family today.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. 

The hardest part of today was having to explain in to Monkey.

More than once.

When explaining adoption, we told him that our new baby would have two kinds of mommies:

a Tummy Mommy

&

an Every Day Mommy.

 Our course of action was to explain that her Tummy Mommy, R,

(he met her)

loved baby too much to give her to us.

And that God would find us another baby.

He was upset, angry.

Said it wasn't fair.

However he was easily distracted.

We took him to Sea World San Antonio today!

With their Here's to the Hero's program by Anhauser-Busch,

we got free admission.

He loved seeing Shamu.

We fed dolphins.

Saw many, many animals:

flamingos, sharks, coral reef & tropical fish, stingrays.

We also got him to go one a mini kid sized roller coaster - he loved it.

Got him on a river ride, loved that too.

So we took him on the HUGE water ride.

He loved that one so much that we had to ride it three times.

He looks so terrified during,

cackles like a banshee after,

and then wants to do it again.

Totally got that from me.

I love roller coasters.

We came back to the hotel, showered and changed.

Went to The Cheesecake Factory for our anniversary.

I had mango key lime cheesecake with a coconut/vanilla macaroon crust.

Twas awesome.

Getting out of the car back here though, Monkey asked if I still had my bracelet.

"What bracelet?"

"The one that lets everybody know we can go see baby sister."

I tried to re-explain that R loves her so much,

she can't give us the baby.

And that hopefully God will help us find another baby.