It's time that I have been honest with you and myself.
I have always tried to present the good side, with out a lot of the heartache here. And to keep up the positivity. But I have to tell you.
A lot of the time, I am not positive.
My personal story is long, complicated and arduous. Maybe one day I will share it here. Our road to a family is hard enough. I've shared it here a couple of times.
Monkey was six years in the making. And I am so, so grateful for him. I spend my days with him, especially the hard ones, trying to remember the prayers that I prayed, the tears I cried and the begging and pleading with God or Goddess, to any thing that might be listening. And you know what? Sometimes, it is hard to remember.
Kids can be difficult - especially moving through the toddler and preschool years. I had to admit to myself recently that homeschooling is not the best option for us. I believe wholeheartedly that it is a good and viable option. For me though? It was proving to be tough. Monkey is a very active kiddo, who needs constant stimulation. He has such a thirst to play, to go, to learn - I couldn't keep up. He flew through our school work in a matter of 60 to 90 minutes. But then I was left with the rest of the day and night - with no break and no clue. As a stay at home mommy of an only child - I am the playmate, as well as mommy and teacher. Perhaps if he had siblings, someone else to play with - to talk to - to bounce ideas off of - to ask questions - anything...it'd be slightly easier, as I wouldn't have to fill all these roles. Off he goes to Kindergarten next week, and happy as a clam about it. Gotta tell you, I am terrified - happy - apprehensive.
It's been 5 years since Monkey was born. There has not been one iota of birth control used. Two rounds of fertility meds and IUIs. One miscarriage. And so I managed to convince myself, and later Kevin, that adoption was our best option. We are an interracial couple, who preferred a multiracial child. We were open to infants, and sibling groups. Surely it wouldn't be long until we were chosen by a mother making an adoption plan. We borrowed money against a vehicle, and went for it.
Ha. God proved me wrong again. We waited more than a year for our match. We spent several months there, with everything looking good. And after that baby girl was born, it felt like she was ripped away, leaving my heart raw. In reality; logically, I know that her mother decided to parent her. I know that she's loved. But...I loved her too. I still wonder about her. So we went for it again -- and had to turn away from a baby boy because we were out of money and couldn't afford the legal fees.
We decided to take a break from it all. No active trying to conceive (but that didn't stop my heart from wishing and hoping), no more moving forward with adoption. Nothing.
So here we are. Soon, we have to make a decision on reactivating our contract, or just chalking up the money paid to our adoption facilitator as lost. Once again, finances stand in our way. We have to pay a reactivation fee, get a new homestudy done, and be ready and able to pay legal fees IF we get a match and IF the adoption goes through.
Or maybe we could say, forget the money. And we could go back to fertility treatment. Before our move, we had all of our fertility testing updated with an awful doctor. You wouldn't believe it - but I have PCOS and Endometriosis! Who knew?! (Except us and several doctors!?) Anyway - that costs money too. Money that we simply don't have.
I don't know what to do. WE don't know what do.
And still every month, I hope and pray. That my stupid ovaries work. For two lines to appear on a pregnancy test. Never mind that we've never gotten pregnant on our own - not once in nearly 11 years.
My heart still stops, and my breath catches - every time a friend gets pregnant. Every baby that is born. I still go home and cry hot, silent tears at night. But I paste a smile on my face, and drum up some happiness for my friends. Because I am happy for them, and I love those adorable babies.
As my Monkey turns in to a Big Kid, and takes off for elementary school, I know he is slowly but surely leaving me behind. I love that boy, who will always be my baby, more than life. But if I am honest with myself, and with you?
My womb still aches for another pregnancy, to feel those magical moments again. I'd do just about anything for another 17 hour labor and delivery. To nurse away long nights, and wash mountains of diapers. I thought that the pain would lessen after having Monkey in our life - but losing the dream of a large family, and grieving the loss of the pregnancies I won't have? It still weighs heavily. Not as often, I admit. It seems like it might be fading most days. Considering leaving it all behind, because we simply can't afford it though, that fills me with panic. How can I say that I am ready to give up?
I'm not. I am. I'm not. I am.
Back and forth.
If a pile of money were to appear in front of me - the first thing I'd do is adopt babies. Babies (even if they're children, they're still babies) from El Salvador, Honduras, Burundi, Sierra Leone - everywhere. And then maybe, I'd revisit a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
I just wanted to be a Mommy to Many. Didn't seem like a lot to ask, a fairly simple life.
It seems it isn't to be.
How do I give up the future I thought I had?