Looking Back

Reading posts from a year ago...

We are in such a different place. 

Last year, such excited anticipation.

So close to having a baby in our arms.

Today, I saw a dress that I fell in love with.

If she were ours, it would have totally gone home with us for Easter.

But she's not.

It's weird to ponder a baby that we held

and know she's not ours.

It's much different that pondering the pregnancy that we lost.

Which is weird in and of itself.

*****

Despite all that, 

time moves forward.

And so does the Air Force.

We are getting ready for a move - again.

This time to South Dakota.

The Monkey and I are planning to go on a 

house hunting trip in a few weeks. 

He thinks we need a house with a trampoline and a tree house.

We have a few more requirements. 

(You know, pesky things like number of bedrooms

and a not microscopic kitchen.)

I am really excited for this move.

A desert dweller, I am not.

Green grass, trees, rivers, lakes! 

It's not quite the ocean, but we have to take what we can get.

 

An Adventure

We took a road trip with our closest friends.

"Forever and ever" is what we were told it took.

In reality, it was about 8 hours to Flagstaff, Arizona.

While we were there, we decided to drive the bit to see the Grand Canyon.

It was another hour and a half or so, but we all figured that was a lot 

closer than driving from home!

 Daddy and Monkey

Mommy and Monkey

All of us. Kevin forgets to smile a bit.

It's the military, I think.

Monkey hangs out with his best friend.

She needs a blog name.

We'll call her.... Pony Princess.

Proof! An actual sign! 

View from one of the look outs.

We were on the South Rim.

********

Here's where it gets good.

We drove back to our hotel, and found that our Elf 

(Jolly Jingleheimer. He's mostly known as Jingles.)

He brought pajamas!

And tickets.

To the NORTH POLE.

Apparently, there are portals all over the world.

It's how Santa gets around. 

There's a magic trolley that some elves took us on.

We had to say a magic spell with our eyes closed,

there was music and flashing lights, and 

POOF

There we were. 

After we got there, we knocked on the door.

An elf let us in, and we saw Santa's Toy Hall of Fame.

It was pretty cool.

(Monkey and Pony Princess checking out a wagon in the Hall of Fame)

The next room the elves let us in, was Santa's original work room.

It's a much bigger operation now.

His head elf, Alabaster Snowflake, 

showed us some cool stuff.

They were pretty impressed.

This train is magical, and it goes from the old workshop to the new one.

And it is pretty awesome, as you can see from Monkey's face.

We went to the actual workshop,

and the kids made some toys for other kids who might not get any.

Monkey made a cheerleader bear, Pony Princess made a football bear.

Then there was rocket Nerf war among children and elves.

Next, we walked through the wrapping room.

 After the wrapping room, we got to sit down and have a snack.

There were cookies and snow man soup

(for you grown ups, that's hot cocoa).

 Pony Princess, Monkey, and Pony's sister Minnie Mouse.

And an elf. See, she glitters!

 

Then, we headed to Elf University.

We had to learn Elf Manners and pass a test so we could leave.

 After that, there were lists for Santa to write.

It took a lot of concentration, especially for Pony Princess.

She needed to know how to spell DOLPHIN.

 After writing them, it was *almost* time to see Santa.

First, the elves had to check and see if their names were on the nice list!

It looks worrisome.Very stressful.

 They were all on there! Even Daddy's!

They had to do the Nice List Dance.

Next up, we got to visit the Sleigh Room.

 It's a lot bigger than I ever imagined.

 This is Santa's Navigation System.

 And the Believe Meter.

Because if you don't believe, he can't stop at your house!

The last bit of the night was seeing SANTA!

(We got a picture from the workshop, but I don't have it with me right now.)

********

It was a pretty amazing adventure. 

If you'd like to check it out for yourself, 

I totally recommend it!

The North Pole Experience

It really does

After being busy during the holiday season,

it's been a rough few months.

Apparently I have lost all ability

to put on a happy face.

 

Infertility hurts.

 

And I truly believed that 

Adoption was where God was leading us.

But that's not true either.

 

And I am so emotionally beat up

and beat down. 

 

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.

He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,

especially since he seems to think the camera 

is not only permanently attached to my hand, 

but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.

He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.

Our other good friend and I babyshare him

while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --

they turned out pretty awesome, I think.

******

Like the title of the post,

this is going to be all over the place.

Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 

the North Pole Experience

(with awesome friends).

Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.

Then Christmas! 

We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.

The Danes are doing well

(and Kira as well as she can).

I lost 20 pounds!!

Things are busy --

pumpkin patch,

community Halloween party,

friends Halloween party.

A few photo sessions.

Soccer games 

(and practice).

We're all home together.

We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.

Baby Dreams do not go away easily.

Adoption is off the table;

our contract is cancelled.

Though our home study is still current,

we have no way to find a match or placement.

I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like

if we had adopted Baby Girl.

She's 7 months old now. 

Or Baby Boy...

He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards

infertility treatment again.

And the doctors insist that we begin testing

and procedures 

ALL OVER AGAIN. 

 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 

We're doing it anyway, 

but still. 

And since there is no chance of having

what worked before done,

this is really a shot in the dark. 

Just something to hope for, 

instead of doing nothing. 

And do you know what?

No matter what I do,

or who I talk to...

Every time I hear about someone

who wasn't planning,

didn't want, 

doesn't have employment handled, 

or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --

I feel broken. 

Inadequate. 

Less of Woman.

It hurts, and I try not to show it. 

But I want to break down,

melt into a puddle. 

I wonder about the 

baby we lost, 

Baby Girl who was in my arms,

and Baby Boy we had

to walk away from. 

It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.

I rage at God.

How can he give these beautiful,

tiny Blessings, 

to people that aren't ready?

That don't want them?

To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?

I know it is irrational.

It still doesn't go away. 

Trying to Breathe

But sometimes it seems impossible. 

Photos

So I have been working on a big project. 

I've been studying photography for the better

part of three years --

ever since I got my DSLR.

After much thought,

I bit the bullet. 

I opened up a photography business!

  This is my super awesome logo. 

It's going a bit slow getting going --

but I have had 

two newborns, 

a family, 

and I have a senior session this weekend! 

I'm pretty happy about this whole thing! 

*****

Everything else is going well.

Monkey is growing like a weed.

We're mentally preparing for Christmas.

Planning a trip to the 

pumpkin patch and corn maze. 

Thanksgiving with some pretty awesome friends. 

Then, with those same friends, 

we are going to the 

North Pole Experience!

(The kiddos don't know yet.)

All in all, it's good. 

 

Knowing he thinks about it too.

While looking for a baby carrier for a dear friend,

I realized I had never put the newborn 

clothes away from Baby Girl's

situation. 

Doing that yesterday evening was kind of a downer,

not a break down kind --

just pensive. 

It hurts to miss what you never really had. 

Anyway, Kevin and I were talking today while

Monkey was outside riding his bike,

walking on our stone wall

and generally being four. 

We were talking about our pending move,

and if going earlier than planned 

is an option. 

But then he came over to us. 

Out of the blue,

"I don't think we're getting any more babies."

I said to Kevin, I think it is because 

his best friend just got a new little brother. 

Monkey piped back up,

"Yeah. She got her baby sister

and a baby brother. 

We get zero."

He showed us zero with fingers to emphasize. 

I guess we've got to figure out what we're going to do. 

It hurts my heart that my sweet little boy

is worrying and wondering about siblings.