There hasn't been a whole lot of action on the adoption front. Our home study is nearly complete - just waiting on the background checks from the last two states we have lived in, and then it will be absolutely, finally complete. This gives me some measure of hope, as then we will be able to be presented to potential first families that are making a last minute decision.
I have decided to donate all of my maternity clothes to our adoption facilitators birth mother closet. They give clothing, food and other assistance to mothers that they are working with that need help. I am clearly not going to be needing the maternity clothes, and someone else can get much more use out of them.
The waiting seems...interminable.
I know it hasn't been very long in the grand scheme of things, as we've only been active for about four months. In pregnancy time, we'd be past the first trimester and the most risk of miscarriage. We'd be hearing the heartbeat for the first time. We'd wonder about screening results, and bicker about whether or not to find out the gender. We'd start finalizing what type of birth we wanted and work toward that goal.
With adoption, we don't have milestones to look forward to. We don't have a way to mark the passage of the time, or a definitive - or even a hazy - outlook on when we can expect to be blessed with our second child.
I have not ever been a very religious person. I have felt the need to "try on" different faiths but nothing has ever felt quite right. Honestly, I was content with out it. I felt that there was SOMETHING out there, bigger than we can know, but not what or who. In general, I regard faith as a mountain, with many paths to the top. And my view of God has been like a beautifully cut diamond - one whole with many different facets, and each facet having had a name.
Now...I feel something different. I don't have a name for it. I find myself reading and reading to find where I fit. Most recently, I have read, in order: The Faith Club by Ranya Idliby, Suzanne Oliver and Priscilla Warner; The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller; and finally, The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel.
I really liked the first and last book - the second didn't hold my attention as well. Lee Strobel's book convinced me to buy it because he was an atheist, whose wife became Christian. He thought she was out of her mind, so did a ton of research for himself, that led to his own conversion to Christianity. He also has some other books that I intend to read - The Case for a Creator, The Case for Faith, The Case for the Real Jesus.
I'm not sure where my journey will lead me, but I hope that it is a fulfilling one. It relates back to our Adoption Journey, because I have felt what I haven't really felt the need to do before, except sporadically. To pray. I am not sure to Who, and I hope that someone is Listening to my pleas. I think I want to believe, and have faith, but I'm not sure how.
For now, what I have will be enough.
Tonight, that is a fervent prayer, hope and wish for all of the women struggling with the decision to place their precious children for adoption. I pray for a faceless woman that I have yet to meet that she finds peace with herself, her God, and her decision. I hope she finds Joy in finding the perfect family for her Child. I hope that one day, some how, one of you beautiful souls chooses our family.