Disappeared Again

Many apologies. It's been busy here.

We decided to get another car, since we are now legal guardians to Kevin's younger sister. And since we hope that we will get a call about a baby soon, we decided to go with a Honda Odyssey. This way our horse of a dog plus our kidlets can still fit. :)

We also moved to a new house; I am working on getting pictures of it! It's wonderful - much bigger and 4 bedrooms, just waiting to be filled.

Our adoption facilitator, Lifetime Adoption, also contacted us. An expectant mother who was considering adoption  was interested in us! We got a lovely email from her and wrote back. A baby girl due in January! While we waited anxiously, we were so excited. I think I let myself get a bit too excited.

After doing some soul searching, the mother has decided to parent her baby since she felt that she was making her decision about adoption based on the baby's father, and not her own. I am very happy that she is strong enough to realize that, and to make the decision that is best for herself and for her daughter.

However, I am heartbroken for myself, for my husband and for my son. I've always wanted my babies to be close in age, and it's something that is very important to me. I find myself wondering if that's just not meant to be. Perhaps we are only supposed to have an only child. I couldn't ask for a better one than we've got. It is very hard to not compare our situation to that of others.

A couple of my closest friends started their families at a ridiculously young age. One now has five kids, another has six. Several others have 3, 4 or more in precarious family situations. I feel as if I've been forgotten about, left out. Why are others able to have kids so easily? Why should my wonderful husband and the best father I know, not be a father to many simply because I am broken and don't work? We have friends who started having kids AFTER us, have two or three or more...It's so HARD to understand.

Why are these BABIES being forgotten about, lost, murdered by their families? Clearly, I've been watching too much of the news. I hear about 600-1000 kids in my own community who are, or nearly are, homeless. Why didn't God give just a few of them to us?

Sometimes, this process of infertility and grieving, pregnancy and more infertility, pregnancy loss and MORE infertility and being led to adoption...it's brutal. I feel like this is what we are supposed to do, but it still isn't working. Maybe the answer is just: No More Kids.



But I will keep praying for my phone to ring, an email to come or a miracle to happen.