Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Lilypie Waiting to Adopt tickers

Monday, October 29, 2012

All Over

 Here's my Monkey, hanging out at a friends house.
He doesn't cooperate for pictures so much any more,
especially since he seems to think the camera 
is not only permanently attached to my hand, 
but perpetually pointed at him. 

Here's the little guy I've been hanging out with.
He's a good friends newbie, Hayli's little brother.
Our other good friend and I babyshare him
while mom works at the preschool. 

This was from my fall mini sessions --
they turned out pretty awesome, I think.



******
Like the title of the post,
this is going to be all over the place.
Everything seems to be going so well on the surface.

Thanksgiving is coming up, as is a trip to 
the North Pole Experience
(with awesome friends).
Afterwards, a friend from back East is coming to visit.
Then Christmas! 
We were gifted recliners as an early Christmas.
The Danes are doing well
(and Kira as well as she can).
I lost 20 pounds!!
Things are busy --
pumpkin patch,
community Halloween party,
friends Halloween party.
A few photo sessions.
Soccer games 
(and practice).
We're all home together.
We can't wait for our pending move out of New Mexico.

But man.
Baby Dreams do not go away easily.
Adoption is off the table;
our contract is cancelled.
Though our home study is still current,
we have no way to find a match or placement.
I find myself sometimes wondering what it would be like
if we had adopted Baby Girl.
She's 7 months old now. 
Or Baby Boy...
He's 2 months old.

We have taken some preliminary steps towards
infertility treatment again.
And the doctors insist that we begin testing
and procedures 
ALL OVER AGAIN. 
 They suck, they hurt, and they take forever. 
We're doing it anyway, 
but still. 
And since there is no chance of having
what worked before done,
this is really a shot in the dark. 
Just something to hope for, 
instead of doing nothing. 


And do you know what?
No matter what I do,
or who I talk to...
Every time I hear about someone
who wasn't planning,
didn't want, 
doesn't have employment handled, 
or being upset that a pregnancy has happened --
I feel broken. 
Inadequate. 
Less of Woman.
It hurts, and I try not to show it. 
But I want to break down,
melt into a puddle. 
I wonder about the 
baby we lost, 
Baby Girl who was in my arms,
and Baby Boy we had
to walk away from. 
It just HURTS.

I rage at the injustice of the world.
I rage at God.
How can he give these beautiful,
tiny Blessings, 
to people that aren't ready?
That don't want them?
To people that injure, neglect, abuse or kill them?

What about US?
I know it is irrational.
It still doesn't go away. 

2 comments:

  1. I love you. I can't say it will get better but I pray it will.

    ReplyDelete