Up and Down

It's been a pretty good day.

Church this morning,

playing with Monkey.

Super-Cleaning Day -

moved all the furniture and vacuumed blinds 

kinda cleaning. 

But in the back of my mind, 

it's a hard day.

This week, we were given an option from Lifetime

that would involve another attorney/agency.

The whole thing felt kind of unethical,

but it didn't work out anyway.

It would have cost nearly $12K more.

Ha.

So...we froze our contract.

Technically we can do this for up to nine months,

pay a reactivation fee (crappy, IMO)

and go back active.

If we move during this nine months, 

we might be able to complete our contract.

It's hard, knowing that for now,

it's over.

There is no chance for us to adopt at this time.

It's heartbreaking.

To know that we were so close,

having held a baby in our arms 

and walked away.
That was my worst fear,
and it came true. 

To know that we almost made it again.

And now it's done. 

I hope that we are able to recoup financially,

and able to pursue adoption.

I hate that it has cost us SO much,

and not just monetarily.

It's a terrible roller coaster.

It would have been totally worth it,

if it ended happily.

But it hasn't. 

It makes me wonder if we should have just 

poured all this money into fertility treatment.