A Month After

This past week or so has been rough.

I can't help but wonder

how Baby Girl is doing. 

She turned one month old on the 18th.

I thought R and I were close enough

to maintain contact.

I felt we had a friendship, 

regardless of circumstances.

I truly hope that R,

Baby Girl and her brothers

are doing well.

I hope that R's family 

really is stepping up and supporting her

the way that they said they would.

 It feels that texting R 

would be out of line,

and I don't want that.

Still, after a few months of chatting with her 

every few days,

it's kind of weird not to.

 

Monkey told me again that he wants

a baby sister.

Still maintains that he doesn't want 

a baby brother because

"I am already a Boy."

 

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Crafty

I started a quilt this week!

I've cut a good bit of the fabric, and I think I might start sewing today.

I came here intending to share pictures with you, 

but the battery in my camera is dead.

 

I'm also waiting on some yarn,

going to knit some more woolies for 

our baby, wherever the baby is. 

Unless the baby we're praying for turns out to be a boy,

in which case I will be selling the woolies 

and buying boyish colorways!

I also have fallen in love with some baby boy fabric,

and I know someone who is having a boy,

so I might sew a baby quilt too. 

Also, a friend who is pregnant 

asked me to sew her a hospital gown or two

from a tutorial we found.

I will have a bunch of projects to share soon!

Eighteen Months

Today marks eighteen months that we've been contracted with Lifetime. 

Tomorrow, baby girl will be one month old. 

It's harder now than it has been before.

I think that I really am done.

I'm ready to sell the things we've collected.

Trade the minivan back in for a car. 

And just stop. 

It feels to me that the answer to our desire for a large family 

is simply

NO.

We're OK

Mr Monkey was released from the hospital on Wednesday afternoon.

Other than getting tired easily 

(which our regular family doctor says is typical of pneumonia),

he seems to be fully recovered.

Our biggest hurdle has been getting him back on track

and realizing that he cannot have his way about what to eat

(because we were desperate for him to eat anything at all)

and watching movies all day

(because what else is there to do when stuck to a hospital bed by an IV and SpO2 monitor?).

Today, I took him to Lowe's Build and Grow workshop.

We haven't been in a few months,

and he greatly enjoyed that.

****

I also finally contacted the lawyer that we retained in our failed adoption.

We are entitled to a small refund, 

due to the fact that the paperwork had already been drafted

since there were no indicators that R had chosen to parent.

That was the hardest thing:

she asked me when I would be back the next morning with my family,

and five minutes later said that she couldn't go through with it. 

Anyway, 

I am glad we get a portion of the money back.

****

I am also not feeling very positive or hopeful about things.

I feel like throwing in the towel.

Maybe it's just not meant to be. 

We'll wait until the end of our contract

(which now ends in November),

but I don't know if we will extend it any further.

Seeing so many other families adopt 

in such a short period,

while we wait and wait and wait

is disheartening.

Ten years of not preventing pregnancy,

eight years of actively trying to conceive,

seven fertility cycles with IUI,

more than 24 months of fertility drugs.

Two pregnancies,

one miscarriage.

Eighteen months of waiting to be chosen to adopt,

a home study and home study update,

a lost retainer, 

one close encounter with a mother considering adoption,

one long term "match" with another mother considering adoption,

leading to

a failed adoption.

I don't know how much more I can take in my heart.

It's hard on a marriage, 

the ever hopefulness that leads to despair.

A little boy who notices his friends have siblings,

and wonders why he doesn't,

especially since he thought he did.

I don't know what the right path is.

I was playing on Pinterest and ran across a pin of a Bible verse.

I needed it today, so I leave it with you.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:17-18

Prayers for Monkey, please

Poor little guy has had a rough week. 

He'd had a cough and fever that would go away and make a reappearance for about a week. 

We decided on Friday night when he worsened again that we'd have him seen on Monday.

He had other plans.

On Easter Sunday, we went to church

(he looked adorable). 

He asked to go to the park afterwards,

but when we got home to change he asked to go to bed instead.

I noticed he had rapid, shallow breathing

so I woke him.

He was in tears, holding is left side saying that it hurt to breathe.

We came to the ER,

and had lots of tests which showed he had a lot of abdominal pain as well.

After x-rays, throat cultures, flu tests, RSV test and a CT scan

the doctors found he has pneumonia in his lower left lung

and mesenteric adenitis.

He was admitted last night,

and seems a good bit better today.

If we have a good night in regards to pain control, 

and get him drinking enough to stay hydrated without an IV

then we might escape the hospital in a day or two. 

Right now, his pain seems to be getting worse,

and we're waiting to see if Motrin is going to help. 

If it doesn't, we'll be moving on to morphine,

which would probably keep us here through tomorrow.

San Antonio

 Monkey on the boat for the San Antonio River Tour

 All of us on said tour boat. 

 Monkey in a bubble!

 Children's Museum

 

 River Walk

 Watching Shamu 

 Shamu Show! 

 Feeding dolphins 

 As Monkey explains it, we fed dolphins dead fish!

 Dolphins are awesome.

It was really neat to touch and feed them. 

Well, this was how we spent our impromptu vacation/reality avoidance.

It was good to focus on our family, 

and made our time in Texas fun and not only grief.