Ring!

I really wish the phone would ring.

Seriously, most people act like it is such an easy thing to adopt.

"Oh, trouble getting pregnant? Just adopt! There are so many people that can't/don't want to parent, 

and children that need homes!"

It's really freaking hard.

Domestic adoption = 

waiting for expectant mother to choose you. And seeing a lot of other prospective adoptive families whose wait is much shorter than yours.

Foster Adopt = 

getting placements and potentially losing them, because the ultimate goal of foster care in general is family reunification.

International adoption = 

much more expensive, extensive paper work, stringent regulations from both the country you adopt from and the one you live in. Still a L-O-N-G wait.

And watching teenagers and people who don't even WANT kids have them?

Sometimes, I feel like freaking out.

Sometimes I do it. (Inside. Or late at night.)

I wish I could see the fabric of the Lord's plan, 

because from where I sit, 

THIS SUCKS.

Trying to remember this....

Just Stuff

Kevin is taking the rest of the leave that he requested.

It's been nice having him home to help entertain the Monkey.

I realized that today is the last day to tag for the Moms, Tots and in-beTweens sale!

That's what I've been doing today.

Clearing out clothes from Monkey.

Extraneous toys, books, baby stuff.

It will be good to get more stuff out of the garage! 

(and buying more clothes for the ever-growing Monkey)

Friday I picked up the dresser we ordered.

After moving it upstairs with Kevin's sister,

I've decided that I hate moving heavy furniture and

that I love the Air Force for moving it for us.

I plan to actually put away the stuff we are keeping for Baby II,

and get it out of rubber tubs and the tiny closet under the stairs.

The Nana is coming to visit next month since she told Monkey 

that she would be here for his birthday party.

Speaking of which, I really need to get on planning that.

Ordering balloons and invitations and planning games.

It will be SUPER fun.

Not sharing the theme, because some of you might attend! 

Not So Bad

Today has been pretty good! 

It was great to sleep in our very own beds. 

I went to see The Hunger Games today with my sister-in-law.

I really loved the trilogy, 

and was pleasantly surprised to see the movie was actually fairly close. 

I then went shopping! Yay!

Bath & Body Works for some body wash since I lost mine. 

And got some new air fresheners for the car.

Target since I lost my shampoo too. :)

Kevin went to a co-workers going away lunch with Brandon.

Now Brandon is playing at the park with the coworkers wife and kids,

while Kevin plays golf.

He's kind of a dork like that. 

Now I am watching 27 Dresses because I can.

No one is here to tell me to watch cartoons! 

Mwahahahahaha!

Empty

That's the word of the day.

Car seat, cradle, swing, sling, arms, house.

EMPTY.

I didn't think I'd have any issues being back in our home. 

I guess I was wrong.

I put the swing back in the garage, and the cradle in the spare room.

The car is still packed, but the clothes and diapers will get put in there too.

I suppose we will go pick up the dresser, 

and then I will pack away the clothes, diapers, woolies and bottles.

I wandered around the house for a bit, unsure of what to do.

When we got here, we should have been busy.

Unpacking stuff.

Letting the dogs get a sniff of a blanket or hat to smell the baby.

Trying to relax, while juggling Monkey

and feedings, changing diapers, and basking in our new larger family.

I don't know what to do.

And whatever it is, I do NOT feel like doing it. 

No cooking. No unpacking.

Just forget it.

I am in my giant comfy bed, and here I will stay.

Part of me wishes I could just text or call R up like before.

Even though baby isn't ours, I felt that we had formed a friendship,

R and I.

I hope she's doing alright.

I wonder what she named the baby.

I hope her family keeps their word and gives her all the help she needs.

I want her to know that I am not mad.

Just brokenhearted.

But we both knew that one of us would leave the hospital brokenhearted.

How do you hope for that?

Someone to hurt?

Most of all, even though we want to,

how are we going to do this again?

Heading for Home

For the most part,

I would say that I feel ok.

Our family, friends, and church family have been incredibly supportive.

I harbor no ill will for R.

I can understand her choices.

Though I do admit that I don't feel much invested in everything right now.

Cooking, cleaning....

Don't really care.

I could use more Monkey snuggles, 

but he's a big boy now and doesn't share them as freely.

I just don't know what to do about the things.

The car seat and cradle we borrowed,

they are easily returned.

But first I have to take the seat out of our car.

I have to face the cradle in the bedroom.

A good chunk of the clothes were borrowed,

so they can go back.

But some of it wasn't.

We got the call about 12 hours before she was born

that the dresser we ordered is ready for pick up.

The lovely gifts we got at our shower.

All the things I knit.

All the diapers that I have bought.

The new yarn that I just ordered the day before we left.

I have to face those things.

And that is the easy part,

because they aren't directly tied to her.

There are pictures.

Quite a few of them.

Of baby.

Baby & Monkey.

Baby & Kevin.

Baby & R.

The outfit she wore

and spilled formula on.

The hospital bracelet.

What do I do with these things?

 *****

We contacted Lifetime today, just to check in.

After being assured by R that she would call them,

just so they would know that she is doing alright,

she hasn't. 

However, that doesn't really affect us,

I just worry for her.

And care about her.

Anyway, we've decided to update our adoption profiles.

They're a year and a half old now.

A few little things have changed.

Update pictures and colors and layout.

We want to go back "active."

Hopefully there is something in store for us. 

Anniversary

Today, Kevin and I have been married 8 years.

We were married in Charleston, SC on the first day of spring.

We were supposed to be bringing a baby into our family today.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. 

The hardest part of today was having to explain in to Monkey.

More than once.

When explaining adoption, we told him that our new baby would have two kinds of mommies:

a Tummy Mommy

&

an Every Day Mommy.

 Our course of action was to explain that her Tummy Mommy, R,

(he met her)

loved baby too much to give her to us.

And that God would find us another baby.

He was upset, angry.

Said it wasn't fair.

However he was easily distracted.

We took him to Sea World San Antonio today!

With their Here's to the Hero's program by Anhauser-Busch,

we got free admission.

He loved seeing Shamu.

We fed dolphins.

Saw many, many animals:

flamingos, sharks, coral reef & tropical fish, stingrays.

We also got him to go one a mini kid sized roller coaster - he loved it.

Got him on a river ride, loved that too.

So we took him on the HUGE water ride.

He loved that one so much that we had to ride it three times.

He looks so terrified during,

cackles like a banshee after,

and then wants to do it again.

Totally got that from me.

I love roller coasters.

We came back to the hotel, showered and changed.

Went to The Cheesecake Factory for our anniversary.

I had mango key lime cheesecake with a coconut/vanilla macaroon crust.

Twas awesome.

Getting out of the car back here though, Monkey asked if I still had my bracelet.

"What bracelet?"

"The one that lets everybody know we can go see baby sister."

I tried to re-explain that R loves her so much,

she can't give us the baby.

And that hopefully God will help us find another baby.

Breaking

I had planned to share some pictures and the baby's name in this post.

She's absolutely beautiful. Tiny, head full of dark hair. 

She's worn a couple of outfits that we brought with us. 

She was wearing one when I left the hospital.

As I said in the last post, R asked me when I would be back in the morning. 

We had made arrangements for a Third Party Release to discharge the baby to myself and Kevin.

R wanted to sign the papers in the hotel lobby since they were discharging her and baby before she could sign them.

The lawyer was notified. 

When I got to the car, I had a text from R saying that she just can't go through with the adoption.

I don't know that I've ever felt such pain.

I am not mad at R, and I do not hate her. 

I care about her.

I suppose that this is the nature of adoption.

I feel so numb at the same time.

I watched her make her entrance to the world.

I fed her.

Changed her diapers.

Put her in the clothes we got her.

Our car is full of baby clothes and diapers.

The car seat is installed.

Our bedroom holds a cradle.

Her dresser is ready to be delivered when we get home.

Only it looks like she won't be with us. 

I talked to Lifetime after R text me that she couldn't do it.

They wanted us to wait until this morning before making plans to leave.

They wanted to check in with R.

We are going home at check out time, in about an hour and a half I think.

I'm really not sure how to deal with is. 

I'm still wearing the hospital bracelet that identifies me as linked with that beautiful baby girl.

Monkey woke up asking to wear his Big Brother tee shirt.

I have to find a way to explain this to him without breaking into pieces.

Lifetime had some good ideas to help him understand,

especially seeing as Monkey will take his cues from us.

It feels as if I am breaking.

Arrival

Our journey was pretty uneventful. We stopped just about half way through on Friday night and got here on Saturday, March 17.

When we got here, R was at the hospital getting checked out. Nothing to report, but she didn't feel too hot, so we checked into our hotel room and got settled.

My cell phone rang at 1:40 am! R was calling to tell me that she was at the hospital, and was dilated to a four. By the time I got upstairs to her room, she was a seven. She got her epidural, and baby girl was  born just a few minutes later! 

She made her arrival at 6 pounds, 7 ounces and 18 inches long! I went with baby to the nursery, and came back with R as she was moved to a post partum room for the duration of their stay. All of the nurses were supportive of both of us and R's adoption plan. 

I left the hospital around 6 am and tried to get some sleep. R asked me to come back at visiting hours and to bring Kevin and Monkey to meet the baby, so I did. We all spent some time with R & baby. Monkey held her, and asked to take her home immediately. He told me it wasn't fair that he couldn't. :)

Monkey and Kevin left to run some energy off, and R asked me to hang out for awhile. I did; and fed and changed the baby. Later in the afternoon, Monkey and Kevin came back for a few minutes. The hospital social workers came to chat with R and myself about the adoption plan. Soon after, we left to get some sleep and so that R could get some sleep. She sent the baby to the nursery. 

R called me about 6:30pm to say that she was awake and wanted some company. Since it was later, and almost bed time for Monkey, only I went up to the hospital. Fed and changed the baby, lots of holding by both R and myself. I had a bit of time with just the baby as R took a shower. 

It was super late, around midnight, and R asked me what time I was coming back in the morning. I asked her what time she wanted me back, and if I should bring the guys. She told me yes, and to be back for visiting hours at 8am!

Physical Journey Starts Today!

Right now, I am in my pjs and running a load in the dishwasher and washing machine. One more to go after this one.

Baby Girl's clothes, diapers, pack n play and bouncy swing are packed in the car. Her car seat is installed, which looks so....different! :)

I am about to be quite busy this morning - packing suitcases and making sure we have everything to make the drive easier, and have everything when we get there....because today we start the drive to go meet R in person! We will have a stop tonight, and arrive in her town in southern Texas tomorrow!

I am so nervous! Excited! Anxious!

The computer is coming with us, as is our camera, so it is my plan to post updates as I can. 

Slowly Going Fast

Oxymoron, yes? 

But that is how adoption feels. Find an agency/facilitator; find a social worker and get home study done; make adoption profiles...then wait. Once you've done everything you can do, that's all there is.

Then it happens! Someone would like to speak to you about adopting their baby. In our case, we've spent a couple of months getting to know R. After we heard the news that we had been chosen, suddenly there was more to do. We were due for our annual home study update - did that. Found a lawyer in her state - done! Mail the retainer, and a copy of the updated home study. Talk to R. Form a relationship, a bond of sorts.

As it becomes more real, we've started to get ready. Clothes, cradle, car seat. Bottles, blankets. Talk to our Monkey about Baby Sister. Last week, we had a wonderful shower. This is the week that we are supposed to go and meet R in person! We made these arrangements so that we could get to know each other in person, and also because she has delivered fast before. Since she invited me to be in the delivery room, R and I thought that us being nearby was the better plan since we live about 12 hours apart.

Now it seems like it is moving so fast! But crawling by at the same time. As D-day approaches, I find myself more nervous. Right now, we have to take it on faith; trust and believe in God's will. But....will everything go as planned? Will R's wishes about delivery and signing TPR be honored? Will the doctors and nurses be supportive of her in the way that she needs, and not pressure her to sign or to parent? What if R does decide to parent? Will Kevin and I be able to graciously accept this decision and not completely turn into a puddle?

This is an amazing, hopeful time for us. It is a heart-wrenching, tumultuous time for R. 

Above all, this is absolutely terrifying.

Broke the Computer

Yes, again.

It was the keyboard and motherboard,

 and there is still debate as to whether it will be cost-effective to fix it.

But I have lovely friends who let us borrow one while this is determined!

On to better topics!

Everything is coming together quite nicely at here! We've got a cradle set up in our room. I've washed all the newborn clothes that we've acquired and been loaned. They're ready to be packed.

We have an infant car seat downstairs waiting to be strapped into the van.

Yesterday, my lovely friend (same one!), Evie, threw me a baby shower with a bunch of ladies from the preschool and church!

There was a yummy cake, shaped like a rubber ducky with the baby's first intial on it. I made my mom's punch (super easy and SO YUMMY, people). Angie made some baby themed candies. I was made to wear a pink hat that said "Mom-to-Be" on it. Baby Girl got a few outfits, pacis, a tutu, socks that look like ballerina slippers, a crocheted bib/booties set, onesies, bottles, some other stuff that I am sure my brain is not recalling. We also got a gift card to Target, which I spent...today. That got her headbands, another sleeper, bottle brush, nipple basket and some other small things!

There were a couple of fun activities - the guests tried to guess the babies' name. We gave them the initials, GCR. (R being our last name) There were a few close guesses! They also tried to predict the baby's birth date, time, and weight, so the verdict is out on who won that one. It's your turn now! Guess away in the comments!

Evie took the pictures, so I will have them soon and share with you.

I had been feeling quite anxious and un-prepared, but that's all gone away now! Everything except our suitcases are ready to go. We are planning to leave to drive to Houston on March 17th to go meet R in person and wait for Baby Girl to make an appearance! I am so excited to meet R and give her a great big hug!