Breaking

I had planned to share some pictures and the baby's name in this post.

She's absolutely beautiful. Tiny, head full of dark hair. 

She's worn a couple of outfits that we brought with us. 

She was wearing one when I left the hospital.

As I said in the last post, R asked me when I would be back in the morning. 

We had made arrangements for a Third Party Release to discharge the baby to myself and Kevin.

R wanted to sign the papers in the hotel lobby since they were discharging her and baby before she could sign them.

The lawyer was notified. 

When I got to the car, I had a text from R saying that she just can't go through with the adoption.

I don't know that I've ever felt such pain.

I am not mad at R, and I do not hate her. 

I care about her.

I suppose that this is the nature of adoption.

I feel so numb at the same time.

I watched her make her entrance to the world.

I fed her.

Changed her diapers.

Put her in the clothes we got her.

Our car is full of baby clothes and diapers.

The car seat is installed.

Our bedroom holds a cradle.

Her dresser is ready to be delivered when we get home.

Only it looks like she won't be with us. 

I talked to Lifetime after R text me that she couldn't do it.

They wanted us to wait until this morning before making plans to leave.

They wanted to check in with R.

We are going home at check out time, in about an hour and a half I think.

I'm really not sure how to deal with is. 

I'm still wearing the hospital bracelet that identifies me as linked with that beautiful baby girl.

Monkey woke up asking to wear his Big Brother tee shirt.

I have to find a way to explain this to him without breaking into pieces.

Lifetime had some good ideas to help him understand,

especially seeing as Monkey will take his cues from us.

It feels as if I am breaking.